Dirk Flinthart's Whimsies seek refuge

Potentially even more terrifying than the Undead King of Rock are his evil legions. Try out this site, where you'll be able to read such deathless prose as: "Going to an event of Elvis music performed by a good Elvis Impersonator (or illusionist) is to participate in a sacred love fest." http://www.elimpersonators.com/essay.html

Then there's the Elvis diet... http://elvisempire.hollywood.com/recipes.html You too can look like the Whitman blimp in spandex and sequins. And the Elvis shopping list - what would you do with that much money? http://www.ibiblio.org/elvis/shoplist.html

2) Two words: Chat Shows. Who are all these people? Why do they force us to watch Men Who Change Their Sex To Live With Lesbians? Why do they assume we need to know about Pets That Resemble Rock Stars? It can't be long before they're rounding us up, pointing microphones at us, and filming People Who Are Terrified By Chat Show Hosts. Find Oprah Winfrey's horoscope before she finds you... http://adze.com/bios/tainment/oprah.html Eat the Jerry Springer Board Game... http://www.tdcgames.com/springer.htm

Annoy the hell out of your few remaining friends with Ricki Reminder cards from Ricki Lake... http://tvnation.spe.sony.com/tv/shows/ricki/postcard/index.html All right! Enough! I'm frightened!

3) The President: Armed with the world's largest nuclear arsenal, the most technologically advanced military machine on the planet, the capacity to deliver massive destruction to any point on the earth - and the kind of intellect that makes people long for the good old days of Dan Quayle. Who wouldn't flee in terror from a country under the iron butt of a man like this? http://homepages.gold.ac.uk/ianstonehouse/gw_bush.html http://www.columbiacentral.com/dubya/. Now I'm really scared...

On the whole, we in Australia are very fortunate. We live free of the terrors of Status Quo, or giant fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Yet we must remain on guard, for even here, there are issues which, left unattended, could lead to a terrified exodus of oppressed masses, fleeing the horror that once was the Lucky Country. People of Australia, I beg you: wake up! Do something before it's too late! http://www.crocodiledundeeinla.com/

THIS MUST NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!