Dirk Flinthart's Whimsies seek refuge

The growing refugee crisis is a cause for concern the world over. Millions of displaced people have left their homes, seeking shelter from disasters of all sorts. Most commonly, we hear about those who are pursued by the spectres of starvation, warfare, political repression, and disease -- but what of the others? What of the hidden tide of refugees, often from countries that most of us consider to be wealthy and civilized? What of these people? Who will address their plight?

Here at onlineopinion we are prepared to take the forefront in the battle for recognition of the situation of these victims. Today, we bring you the harrowing story of – the Forgotten Refugees.

Britain: For centuries, inhabitants of the British Isles have suffered the most fearful forms of repression. Even today, there are matters afoot in England which should shock and appal civilized people everywhere –

1) Mushy peas: a cruelty which has to be seen to be believed. http://www.wight.co.uk/food/recipes.99/11.99/ As if this wasn't bad enough, innocent civilians are forced to dress up as mushy peas, thus violating what little dignity remains to them:
http://www.loosemoose.net/docs/ads/mushy.htm

Wisely, the EU has attempted to ban this unspeakable culinary practice, but the vicious ruling regime of cooks in England is putting up a tough resistance. http://www.cec.org.uk/press/myths/myth54.htm

2) Status Quo: I don't think I can explain this. In fact, nobody can explain this. Not even Mick Jagger. You'll have to figure it out for yourself.
http://www.sorkar.com/~thbo/sq/

http://home.bip.net/michael.hellqvist/quo/index.htm

Shouldn't these people be in a nursing home somewhere?

3) The Windsors: The first thing you have to understand is that the following website is entirely serious. Once you can grasp that, the full magnitude of the horror can reach you, and you will understand why the British have been fleeing in their hundreds of thousands, often with no more than backpacks strapped to them, to dwell in Australia - at the other end of the world. http://www.royalreport.com/features.html

Just in case you thought that was a one-off, check out this site: http://www.theprincewilliam.co.uk/majesty.html Is there any end to the terrors endured by the suffering British?

Britain is not the only Western country with a refugee crisis, however. We must not forget the redoubtable United States of America. With the highest proportion of its population imprisoned of any nation in the world, it is no wonder that people are fleeing America in droves. Some of the terrors which haunt that nation are almost unbelievable - yet they are true, and we must bear solemn witness...

1) Harder to kill than Count Dracula and Osama Bin Laden rolled into one; more tasteless than a hundred Liberaces, its the one, the only Elvis Presley, Scourge of the South! This site shows how even now, Americans are living in terror of this eternally undead rock-and-roller: http://hamsterrepublic.com/html/elvis.html

Potentially even more terrifying than the Undead King of Rock are his evil legions. Try out this site, where you'll be able to read such deathless prose as: "Going to an event of Elvis music performed by a good Elvis Impersonator (or illusionist) is to participate in a sacred love fest." http://www.elimpersonators.com/essay.html

Then there's the Elvis diet... http://elvisempire.hollywood.com/recipes.html You too can look like the Whitman blimp in spandex and sequins. And the Elvis shopping list - what would you do with that much money? http://www.ibiblio.org/elvis/shoplist.html

2) Two words: Chat Shows. Who are all these people? Why do they force us to watch Men Who Change Their Sex To Live With Lesbians? Why do they assume we need to know about Pets That Resemble Rock Stars? It can't be long before they're rounding us up, pointing microphones at us, and filming People Who Are Terrified By Chat Show Hosts. Find Oprah Winfrey's horoscope before she finds you... http://adze.com/bios/tainment/oprah.html Eat the Jerry Springer Board Game... http://www.tdcgames.com/springer.htm

Annoy the hell out of your few remaining friends with Ricki Reminder cards from Ricki Lake... http://tvnation.spe.sony.com/tv/shows/ricki/postcard/index.html All right! Enough! I'm frightened!

3) The President: Armed with the world's largest nuclear arsenal, the most technologically advanced military machine on the planet, the capacity to deliver massive destruction to any point on the earth - and the kind of intellect that makes people long for the good old days of Dan Quayle. Who wouldn't flee in terror from a country under the iron butt of a man like this? http://homepages.gold.ac.uk/ianstonehouse/gw_bush.html http://www.columbiacentral.com/dubya/. Now I'm really scared...

On the whole, we in Australia are very fortunate. We live free of the terrors of Status Quo, or giant fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Yet we must remain on guard, for even here, there are issues which, left unattended, could lead to a terrified exodus of oppressed masses, fleeing the horror that once was the Lucky Country. People of Australia, I beg you: wake up! Do something before it's too late! http://www.crocodiledundeeinla.com/

THIS MUST NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!