God particle sheds no light on God but lots on Wally

You also notice that sometimes you appear to be moving relative to the seabed even when you are trying to keep still. In fact sometimes it takes oomph just to remain where you are.

You speculate that a mysterious "field" that you dub a water field permeates the entire universe. This water field is made up of tiny particles that you call molecules. Whenever you move you have push these molecules aside. Some shapes, especially fishy shapes, slide past these little molecules more easily than squat ones. The reason why it sometimes takes oomph to remain in the same place is because there are currents within the water field which can push you along.

You present your ideas to the Piscine Physics Professors and are made PPP of the year. Even those mammalian intruders in the maritime environment, the dolphins and whales, applaud your scientific genius.

Well, in simple terms that what the Higgs boson is about. In the early 1960s Peter Higgs speculated that a field, later called the Higgs field, permeated the entire universe. It was interactions with the Higgs field that gave particles their mass. Some particles, like the electron and its associated neutrino, are fish shaped or streamlined, so Higgs, speculated, and cut through the Higgs field as easily as a fish through water. Other particles, like the proton and the neutron, are more "squat" and find it more difficult to cut through the Higgs field.

Photons, the particles that make up light, are an extreme case of streamlining. In fact they're Teflon coated. They whizz through the Higgs field at the maximum possible speed without needing any oomph at all.

We have mass because we're made up of lots of protons and neutrons that interact very strongly with the Higgs field.

(See also: What is a Higgs boson?)

But what, you may say, does this have to do with politics?

Well it turns out that there is another field that permeates the universe called the "Wally field." Some people, Albert Einstein is a fine example, are very streamlined in "Wally space." They can slide past the Wally particles very easily.

But some unfortunates have a squat shape in "Wally space". They interact very strongly with Wally particles. Such people are known as Wallies.

Note that Wallies are not stupid. The Urban Dictionary defines a Wally as:

..someone who is very intelligent in some areas but very stupid (almost unbelievably) in others..