The forgotten victims of prostitution

Each year, sexual counsellor and Sydney University lecturer Brett McCann sees between 20 and 30 couples because the woman has discovered her partner pays for sex; making this a “common” problem. He says it is misguided to blame anyone but the person who has cheated.

“It’s unfair. It’s shifting the responsibility on to the wrong person,” he says.

There are several reasons why men visit prostitutes, according to McCann. While dissatisfaction in a relationship is a possibility, it can also stem from sexual compulsion, self-esteem problems, a man’s desire to pretend to be “someone else” or the simple fact that it feels good and he can get away with it.

At least one study suggests that significantly more men, at least in the UK, are now using prostitutes. A report in the British Medical Journal in 2005 found that the proportion of British men paying for sex nearly doubled from 5.6 to 9 per cent between 1990 and 2000.

Professor Sheila Jeffreys, an expert in sexual politics at the University of Melbourne, says research suggests that society’s normalisation of prostitution, including its legalisation in Australia, has led to an increase in its use.

“Prostitution behaviour in men is not natural. It is a learned activity, learned through pornography and strip clubs. It is immensely problematic for men’s wives, daughters and [female] colleagues,” Jeffreys says.

Another common myth is that prostitutes can help save a marriage. Marrin argues that it was better for Spitzer to cheat with escorts than his wife’s “best friends”. Similarly, US academic and former sex worker Jeannette Angell wrote in her book Callgirl: Confessions of a Double Life that she would prefer her husband to be unfaithful with a prostitute than someone he may become emotionally involved with.

Of course, some women may be perfectly happy for their partners to use sex workers. Before entering politics, New South Wales MP Pru Goward declared that her husband was welcome to if he ever became bored (although she has since said she was joking). But in most relationships, McCann says, monogamy is a central rule, making any infidelity a breach of trust, regardless of who the third-party is.

While men have a tendency to separate sex from emotion, it is common for them to experience guilt if they have been unfaithful. This tends to create more problems in the relationship, even if his partner is unaware of his activities.

“Generally, when men have sex outside the relationship, it creates a border. When it becomes a routine thing, stopping them from feeling the emotions of what they’re doing, he may think ‘we’re not close’, but it’s his actions that are creating that wall,” McCann says.

There are no specific support groups available to the wives or girlfriends of men who use prostitutes, which is unfortunate because some find it extremely difficult to talk about their experience. Often the shame is too great.

“If women do disclose the fact [that their partner has been visiting sex workers], they may fear that people will think badly of them. It affects their identity,” says McCann.