Microcosmographia Academica 2.0: a guide for the ambitious academic

Of course, networking is the true purpose of these gatherings. Learn to "work the room" with the finesse of a seasoned diplomat, collecting business cards and forging alliances. Attend every social event, from the welcome reception to the closing banquet, and be sure to engage in strategic gossip. A well-timed rumour can be a useful way of boosting your personal brand while killing off the competition.

Learn the art of superficial profundity

In conclusion, dear aspirant, heed the wisdom of Socrates: "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." Embrace humility as a facade while manoeuvring through the complexities of modern academia with cunning and guile. The microcosm of academia is designed to reward not just the brilliant but also those who appear brilliant. So master the art of superficial profundity and prosper in the knowledge that, in the end, it's better to be superficially profound than profoundly superficial.

As you polish your green halo, craft your viral tweets, and perfect your performative wokeness, take solace in knowing the advice in this guide will help you win the academic rat race and secure your future in the ivory tower. But beware; the problem with rat races is that even if you win, you are still a rat.