Microcosmographia Academica 2.0: a guide for the ambitious academic

Microcosmographia Academica is a short pamphlet on university politics written by F. M. Cornford and published in 1908. The Latin title translates to "A Study of a Tiny Academic World." Cornford, a Cambridge academic, dissected the intricacies of academic politics, offering a pessimistic view in a humorous style. Notably, the pamphlet discusses" principles" such as "The Dangerous Precedent," which suggests that any non-customary action is either wrong or sets a dangerous precedent. Herewith is my humble attempt to provide today's academics with an updated guide to negotiating the labyrinth of modern academic politics.

Dear aspiring academic, welcome to the labyrinthine halls of modern academia. As you tiptoe through the minefield of tenure committees, grant applications, and faculty meetings, remember this: intellectual brilliance is the golden ticket. If you're one of those rare geniuses who can decipher quantum entanglement while brewing a perfect cup of chai, just carry on. You have no need for this guide.

But for the 50,000 Australian academics whose claim to brilliance is not universally recognised, this guide is essential. It's a survival manual for navigating the ivory tower with the grace of a ballerina and the cunning of a Machiavellian politician. So, let's shed our illusions of scholarly purity and embrace the dark arts of flattery, strategic conformity, and subtle manipulation.

Master strategic ambiguity

To navigate treacherous terrain, you must master the art of strategic ambiguity. If you must speak about controversial topics, couch your comments in layers of nuance and complexity. Use phrases like "the multifaceted nature of the issue" and "the delicate balance of interests" to create an impression of profound insight while saying remarkably little. To avoid taking a definitive stance on anything, pepper your speech with questions that reflect the issue's complexity without revealing your own position. For example, ask, "How can we address this issue while considering the current political realities?" Questions such as this will make you seem thoughtful and well-informed without committing you to any particular viewpoint.

Be sure to acknowledge the perspectives of all parties involved in an issue, no matter how bonkers they may seem. This not only displays your diplomatic finesse but also shields you from accusations of bias. Emphasise the importance of dialogue, understanding, and mutual respect while carefully avoiding any concrete suggestions that might be controversial. If you cannot avoid taking a side, then it's crucial to align yourself with the prevailing winds of ideological fashion. Keep an ear to the ground for shifts in the intellectual climate and adjust your rhetoric accordingly. Should the winds change, be prepared to deftly pivot your position while maintaining the same air of authoritative ambiguity.

Embrace the art of the opaque, twirl in the fog of uncertainty, and you'll navigate the academic minefield with grace and cunning. It's not about what you say-it's about how you say it.

Stay afloat in a sea of alphabet soup

Ah, the alphabet soup of academia! It's not just about ABCs anymore; it's about LGBTQIA+ and whatever letter comes after that. Memorise them all, dear aspirant, for each is a political minefield that could blow up your career. You must forget biology; put it out of your mind. Instead, think "non-binary," "genderqueer," and "genderfluid." If you come across a new pronoun, treat it like a rare Pokémon: capture it, nurture it, and use it in your next faculty meeting.

If you really want your star to rise in the academy, consider inventing a whole new gender of your own. It's not difficult. Tired of being pigeonholed by the morning grind? Transcend the traditional beverage binaries by embracing your true self as "Caffeine Neutral." Or you may be an Astrological Binary whose identity shifts with the planets. Personally, I am troubled by the need to choose between pie or cake. Why can't I have both or neither at the same time? Accepting that I am a Quantum Cakegender has allowed me to defy classical dessert dichotomies.

Make green your favourite colour

Sustainability is your holy grail. Proclaim your allegiance to the cause louder than a medieval knight swearing fealty to the king. Snap selfies while planting trees, protesting fossil fuels, and frowning at plastic straws. Your social media feed should scream "eco-warrior," even if your carbon footprint resembles Bigfoot's. Sprinkle conversations with terms like "circular economy," "upcycling," and "carbon neutrality." And when someone questions your single-use coffee cup, reply, "It's not plastic; it's biodegradable unicorn horn." Remember, it's not what you do-it's what you say you do. So, cycle to campus on sunny days (while secretly driving your car on rainy ones) and champion paperless offices (except when printing your magnum opus).

Remember, dear aspirant, hypocrisy, when managed well, is not a flaw but a strategic asset. So, polish your green halo and prepare to ascend the ivory tower, one recycled bottle at a time.

Perfect performative wokeness

Survival in the modern university requires embracing the art of performative wokeness. Preface your lectures and writings with ample trigger warnings, covering a broad range of potentially sensitive topics. This practice will not only shield you from backlash but also enhance your reputation as a considerate and empathetic scholar. Similarly, advocate for and create safe spaces within your academic community. These sanctuaries of support and understanding will position you as a champion of mental health and inclusivity.

Publicly align yourself with popular movements and causes. But tread lightly, my friend. Don't go all-in on a single issue; that's like betting your tenure on a game of musical chairs. Instead, show vague support for a smorgasbord of causes. Attend rallies, wave signs, and-most importantly-capture it all for your Instagram story. Voilà! Instant activist cred.

To perfect your wokeness skills, try to identify current hot-button issues-social justice, environmental activism, gender equality-and ensure you have a well-rehearsed stance on each. It would help to amass a repertoire of buzzwords and phrases-such as "intersectionality," "allyship," and "cultural appropriation"-and deploy them liberally in your lectures, writings, and social media posts. Take every opportunity to engage in performative acts of solidarity, such as participating in symbolic gestures or sharing viral hashtags. These small, visible acts demonstrate your alignment with the current moral trends while requiring minimal effort or risk. Remember, the goal is not to solve the world's problems but to be seen as someone who cares deeply about solving them.

Performative wokeness should extend to your everyday interactions. Always ask for and respect pronouns, even in casual conversations. Display a visible commitment to inclusivity by diversifying your course reading lists to include scholars no one has ever heard of. This not only signals your awareness but also pre-emptively disarms potential critics who might accuse you of narrow-mindedness.

Finally, stay flexible. The landscape of wokeness is ever-changing, and what is deemed progressive today may be problematic tomorrow. Stay informed about the latest developments and be prepared to pivot your stance as needed. Apologise quickly and publicly if you find yourself on the wrong side of a woke issue. A well-crafted apology can turn a potential career-ending mistake into an opportunity to demonstrate your growth and humility.

Master the viral tweet

The academic tweet is the modern scholar's weapon of choice. In this digital coliseum, where reputations are forged and shattered in 280 characters or less, your goal is to outpace your rivals in the race for likes and retweets. Craft your tweets with the precision of a Roman mosaic, ensuring each one is a masterclass in conciseness and profundity.

Remember, dear aspirant, retweets can be as powerful as peer reviews. Infuse your tweets with intellectual gravitas by quoting obscure theorists and referencing arcane studies. Use hashtags strategically to align yourself with trending topics and showcase your relevance. And don't forget to engage in the time-honoured tradition of the Twitter (now X) spat-nothing boosts your visibility like a well-publicized academic feud. A well-placed barb, delivered with apparent innocence, can secure your position atop the digital hierarchy.

Conquer the conference circuit

The conference circuit is the gladiatorial arena of modern academia. Here, the goal is not to disseminate knowledge but to outshine your rivals and secure your place in the academic pantheon. As Caesar famously declared, "Veni, vidi, vici." Approach each conference with the same ruthless determination. Pack your presentations with jargon, ensuring your audience is awed by your intellectual prowess. Use phrases like "disruptive innovation," "paradigm shift," and "synergistic effect" to dazzle and confuse. Remember, it's not about what you say but how you say it. Ensure your PowerPoint slides are an assault on the senses, filled with complex diagrams and impenetrable text. The goal is to leave your audience too bewildered to question your work.

Of course, networking is the true purpose of these gatherings. Learn to "work the room" with the finesse of a seasoned diplomat, collecting business cards and forging alliances. Attend every social event, from the welcome reception to the closing banquet, and be sure to engage in strategic gossip. A well-timed rumour can be a useful way of boosting your personal brand while killing off the competition.

Learn the art of superficial profundity

In conclusion, dear aspirant, heed the wisdom of Socrates: "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." Embrace humility as a facade while manoeuvring through the complexities of modern academia with cunning and guile. The microcosm of academia is designed to reward not just the brilliant but also those who appear brilliant. So master the art of superficial profundity and prosper in the knowledge that, in the end, it's better to be superficially profound than profoundly superficial.

As you polish your green halo, craft your viral tweets, and perfect your performative wokeness, take solace in knowing the advice in this guide will help you win the academic rat race and secure your future in the ivory tower. But beware; the problem with rat races is that even if you win, you are still a rat.