Microcosmographia Academica 2.0: a guide for the ambitious academic

Remember, dear aspirant, hypocrisy, when managed well, is not a flaw but a strategic asset. So, polish your green halo and prepare to ascend the ivory tower, one recycled bottle at a time.

Perfect performative wokeness

Survival in the modern university requires embracing the art of performative wokeness. Preface your lectures and writings with ample trigger warnings, covering a broad range of potentially sensitive topics. This practice will not only shield you from backlash but also enhance your reputation as a considerate and empathetic scholar. Similarly, advocate for and create safe spaces within your academic community. These sanctuaries of support and understanding will position you as a champion of mental health and inclusivity.

Publicly align yourself with popular movements and causes. But tread lightly, my friend. Don't go all-in on a single issue; that's like betting your tenure on a game of musical chairs. Instead, show vague support for a smorgasbord of causes. Attend rallies, wave signs, and-most importantly-capture it all for your Instagram story. Voilà! Instant activist cred.

To perfect your wokeness skills, try to identify current hot-button issues-social justice, environmental activism, gender equality-and ensure you have a well-rehearsed stance on each. It would help to amass a repertoire of buzzwords and phrases-such as "intersectionality," "allyship," and "cultural appropriation"-and deploy them liberally in your lectures, writings, and social media posts. Take every opportunity to engage in performative acts of solidarity, such as participating in symbolic gestures or sharing viral hashtags. These small, visible acts demonstrate your alignment with the current moral trends while requiring minimal effort or risk. Remember, the goal is not to solve the world's problems but to be seen as someone who cares deeply about solving them.

Performative wokeness should extend to your everyday interactions. Always ask for and respect pronouns, even in casual conversations. Display a visible commitment to inclusivity by diversifying your course reading lists to include scholars no one has ever heard of. This not only signals your awareness but also pre-emptively disarms potential critics who might accuse you of narrow-mindedness.

Finally, stay flexible. The landscape of wokeness is ever-changing, and what is deemed progressive today may be problematic tomorrow. Stay informed about the latest developments and be prepared to pivot your stance as needed. Apologise quickly and publicly if you find yourself on the wrong side of a woke issue. A well-crafted apology can turn a potential career-ending mistake into an opportunity to demonstrate your growth and humility.

Master the viral tweet

The academic tweet is the modern scholar's weapon of choice. In this digital coliseum, where reputations are forged and shattered in 280 characters or less, your goal is to outpace your rivals in the race for likes and retweets. Craft your tweets with the precision of a Roman mosaic, ensuring each one is a masterclass in conciseness and profundity.

Remember, dear aspirant, retweets can be as powerful as peer reviews. Infuse your tweets with intellectual gravitas by quoting obscure theorists and referencing arcane studies. Use hashtags strategically to align yourself with trending topics and showcase your relevance. And don't forget to engage in the time-honoured tradition of the Twitter (now X) spat-nothing boosts your visibility like a well-publicized academic feud. A well-placed barb, delivered with apparent innocence, can secure your position atop the digital hierarchy.

Conquer the conference circuit

The conference circuit is the gladiatorial arena of modern academia. Here, the goal is not to disseminate knowledge but to outshine your rivals and secure your place in the academic pantheon. As Caesar famously declared, "Veni, vidi, vici." Approach each conference with the same ruthless determination. Pack your presentations with jargon, ensuring your audience is awed by your intellectual prowess. Use phrases like "disruptive innovation," "paradigm shift," and "synergistic effect" to dazzle and confuse. Remember, it's not about what you say but how you say it. Ensure your PowerPoint slides are an assault on the senses, filled with complex diagrams and impenetrable text. The goal is to leave your audience too bewildered to question your work.