'Hey, I'm going to be a dad!'

Today young fathers are revising the script on how to be a dad. Before we look at the young dads we need to take a backward glance at how the job was once done.

The traditional role

Traditionally, fathers were breadwinners and disciplinarians. Fathers often taught their boys how to play football; and taught all their children how to swim. They ladled out words like "you've got to buy a block of land". When I did my research on men growing up in Penrith, New South Wales, the traditional role of the father was manifest. A human geographer said "this is the story of almost any town with a railway and a river some distance from a city". The division in roles started early: boys did chores outside; girls did them inside. One man I interviewed said "A man's life was all about work. And a bit of sex was his hobby". Strong fathers were one of the pillars of society.

The role of women in this era before 1960 was summed up by a man I interviewed: "With that many children, do you ask me what she did? Housework!"

Today's fathers

Eagerness to take on the job of father

Today's dads look back on their own experience with their dad; and often it's done resentfully. Some grew up without a father around, or grew up most of their lives in an orphanage. Sometimes fathers are absent in spirit. Kevin* said :

He was distant. He never showed his love. He just went to work, brought the bacon home and that was it. He was there but he wasn't there.

The most emotional part of my book Fathers, Sons and Lovers was when I got men talking about their feelings for their father. Mike* said-

When he was alive I thought, "You old bastard, you don't care about me". I'd tell him something I was proud of, and he'd just walk off and make a cup of tea. I never hugged him till the day he died.

The result? Surprisingly, today's dads are determined to take up the role, and do it better. More new dads are proud to be involved in the process of showering and splashing around with kids at the local pool. They say proudly "I'm a hands-on dad". Adam*, an expectant father, said

I'm a bit worried about the duties I will have. But really, I'm looking forward to having the new baby around.

George*, the father of two boys, said

The hardest bit is being responsible for another person. You lose all your freedom, you've got to be focused on them all the time. But the best part is having your own little family- knowing they are your own flesh and blood. And when they smile and say "Daddy", it makes it all worth it.

Diversity

Dads probably always have been diverse; they are becoming more so. Teachers have become used to a kid saying "I've got two dads" (or mums). The singer Ricky Martin is just one well-known example of a gay dad. My GP says that among his clientele, gay fathering has become a noticeable trend.

A man with a child in tow may not be the biological father. Split families, gay couples, and mixed-race couples with children are common in most of our cities and towns.

Challenges

Some dads might be feeling a bit helpless and useless around a newborn, as my discussions with young fathers show.

"It was scary- I just wanted to get away and get to the pub", Kevin* said.

But – as we will see -in an age of more fluid gender roles, the challenges of fatherhood are being met in part by more positive messages to dads. And more determination from young dads.

Why is fathering important?

Australian men say they must be strong, never admit weakness, not express emotion except in sport or in the privacy of the bedroom, and be endlessly interested in sex. And be wary of anything soft or girly.

Fatherhood takes men into a domain of nurturing previously fairly foreign to them. Men who are connected with partners and children can survive and adapt to all the challenges that life offers better than men alone can. Young dads I speak to say bluntly that their children have made them better men and given them useful insights about themselves.

Men learn to cope with daughters, who seem to many of us born with the ability to love their dad and earn their affection. Men learn to play sport with sons and endure the battering, door-slamming confrontations through which sons struggle through adolescence to become men.

Fathering benefits children.

Fathers orient their children to the outside world. They talk commonly about the world of work, money, sport and adventure. When their father takes an interest in them, kids' school results are better. Fathers helped the men I spoke to. Dads toughen up children, encouraging them to play sport and take risks within safe limits. Clearly, the kind of fathering done will make a huge difference. And as kids grow up, fathers must soften and adapt. Kevin* says

So as he grows older, no need to shout anymore or talk down to him. He needs to be reassured that he is loved and protected, that I will always be there if he needs me; in a mature way. I am more careful with our relationship, in the topics we discuss and the manner in which we discuss them. I don't give him such a hard time with things. I give him plenty of freedom and let him sleep in on Sundays.

Challenges ahead

Fathers can be dissuaded from doing the tasks that would benefit children: by their understanding of what a man is; by culture; by mothers; or from difficulties following separation and divorce- and by their own fears. Men don't often bond as easily as most women do, but the men I speak to readily warm to fatherhood. These guys have a gleam in their eye when they talk of the exciting challenges that will make such a big difference to their lives.

With discussions about gay marriage already with us, we would benefit children by keeping our ideas of fatherhood flexible. My research shows that fatherhood has changed a lot in the past sixty years. It would be sensible to expect that, as society changes, fatherhood will change too.

Progress

Fatherhood should be part of our daily discourse as educators: and given encouragement, fathers do come along to school-based workshops called 'Understanding Our Sons'. Fathers' involvement is supported when dads go with their expectant partners to hospital. Women must be part of the work we do to encourage dads; those I speak to are happy to do so. There's a morning session in my local library for dads to read to their kids. We seem to be getting somewhere in acknowledging that fathering is an important role.

We've come a long way since I walked in on the birth of one of my daughters and some harridan barked at me: "Would you please leave!" Ha! But I had seen my daughter come into the world. Today dads are frequently at the birth of their kids; and so they should be.

Conclusion

Often the media offer us celebrities as role models. The best role model for a boy is usually not Usain Bolt, Tyson Gay, Cristiano Ronaldo, Rafael Nadal or Jarryd Hayne. The best role model for a boy is usually his father. Fathering is a transformative process. It makes us into better men, as well as giving us purpose and meaning. Far more should be done in encouraging hesitant and vulnerable fathers take up their role in creating adults who can survive and grow in society. The signs of better fathering noted above should be seized and improved on enthusiastically- for everyone's benefit.

Let's celebrate fathers: one of the nation's under-used resources.