Fatherhood and the love revolution

In the lead up to Father’s Day I received a phone call from a journalist, asking for help with a story about how a child’s love can change a father. This is not unusual in itself: as the CEO of Dads4Kids Fatherhood Foundation, a harm prevention charity that specialises in encouraging and resourcing Australian dads, I often get calls asking for contacts in the fatherhood movement or questions relating to the latest research on the importance of fathers.

However, what was unusual about this request was the background of the journalist and the subject matter of his story. The last time I talked with him was five years ago when he had just lost his beloved three-year-old daughter in a freak accident on a sporting field. While he was watching his older child playing sport, one of those portable steel goal post frames made for soccer nets had rolled onto his daughter, killing her instantly. This dedicated dad’s grief ran deep. He had lost much but yet he had loved much.

So his question to me this time was, “Warwick, do you know any dads who have been saved through their love for their children?”

“Yes’” I answered. I have my own story of redemption. I was driving along a lonely stretch of highway on the far South Coast of New South Wales. I can still remember the day: the sun was shining, the sky was blue and so were my thoughts. I had just received notice from my bank (I won’t say which bank). They were going to “reverse the temporary overdraft facility” that they had advanced, a euphemism for sending me and my building business to the wall.

After three months of wet weather, an 18 per cent interest rate on overdrafts and a housing market that suddenly collapsed, I was in no state to handle such treachery and still keep my million dollar business afloat. It meant the loss of everything I had ever worked for: a hundred acre farm on the edge of town; my house and cars; also my good name and my ego - two things that were closely related. I had failed my employees, I had failed my customers and, as a father, I had failed as a provider for my wife and children.

Suddenly, in my demented state of mind, I had a brilliant idea. Here I was driving along a lonely country road, lined by big tall gum trees. What if I was to take off my seat belt and run into one of those beautiful trees at high speed? It would surely look like an accident. I had a large life insurance policy. I could provide better in my death than in my life. That’s when I heard my two-year-old son cry out “daddy” from the back seat.

My redemption was sealed and my “brilliant idea” quickly evaporated from my mind. You see I loved my children more than I hated myself, and in that ultimate moment of self-hate when I felt that life was not worth the battle, love triumphed. I am unsure if it was my love for my son, or my son’s love for me, but a revolution had occurred in my thinking. It was a love revolution and it saved me from total destruction.

As I pondered my reply to the journalist, I realised that I am not alone. Even though this personal revolution of love happened more than 20 years ago, I can see the early signs of a renewal of fatherhood and a love revolution in our somewhat suicidal culture. Although at first glance the news is not good.

Our society over the last few decades seems to be in terminal decay. As Bishop Al Stewart said, “We live in a society that talks about peace and contentment, and yet we seem to grow further and further from both. We get richer, but relationally poorer. Our weddings get bigger and our marriages get shorter. Our houses get bigger and our families get smaller. We communicate across the world without difficulty but can't talk across the dinner table.”

The issues of family breakdown, accompanied by an even greater moral breakdown, fill our TV screens. We have a global financial crisis with an accompanying financial deficit but our society appears to be suffering most of all from a love deficit. Our bourgeoning prison population would seem to be the best indicator of this deficit.

The only way to keep our goals from overcrowding in our crime infested society is to keep lowering the penalties for crime. It is claimed that sexual assault is 70 per cent unreported these days and yet reported sexual assault has increased by almost 30 per cent since 1999. Men in prison for sexual assault in Australia have doubled since 1988. The American prison population (PDF 1.94MB) has skyrocketed over the past quarter of a century. In 1982, 1 in 77 adults were in the US correctional system in one form or another, totalling 2.2 million adults. In 2007 the US correctional population - those in prison, on probation or parole totalled 7.3 million or 1 in every 31 adults. That is a 50 per cent increase in less than three decades.

The really frightening statistic is that 78 per cent of America’s prison inmates grew up in a fatherless household. Unfortunately it is not much different here in Australia. Indeed it is the single largest predictor of crime and incarceration.

Fatherlessness and family breakdown, as verified by the divorce rate, have been growing for decades. The good news is that things are beginning to change when it comes to long term love. The divorce rate in Australia peaked to an all time high in 2001 but had dropped 15 per cent in overall numbers by 2007. There were 116,322 registered marriages in Australia in 2007, the highest number of marriages registered since 1990 and an increase of 12 per cent since the marriage low point in 2001.

The tide is beginning to turn. Our society has hit the wall and the wall is hard. Divorce is a very painful experience for all concerned. Our children often take decades to recover. Many men, overcome with grief at losing their children through an anti-male family law system, take their own lives in desperation. Recent reports of a drop in suicide rate are a mirage according to Professor John Mendoza. The suicide rate is increasing not decreasing. The cumulative pain is becoming too much to bear and our society is looking for answers. Our society has lost much over the last few decades, but that very loss might become part of our inspiration to reverse the love deficit.

Perhaps the inspiration to reverse the love deficit is coming from our young people. Older people and politicians think that young people aren’t interested in marriage and family but nothing could be further from the truth. In a study released in 2002 (PDF 259KB) in Family Matters, a publication of the Australian Institute of Family Studies, more than 80 per cent of 17- and 18-year-old teenagers want to get married and to have children and become mums and dads. And more than 90 per cent want a long-term relationship which in our adult world of “throw away” relationships is revolutionary to say the least.

Another indicator of the renewed desire to strengthen marriage and support the natural biological family was the inaugural National Marriage Day breakfast held on August 13, in the Great Hall of Parliament House, Canberra. Five hundred people jammed the Great Hall for a mid-week celebration of life and love, organised by the Australian Family Association. Major General Michael Jeffery (PDF 94KB), Australia’s former Governor-General was appointed, with his wife Marlena, as National Marriage Day Ambassadors.

However many would argue that the real highlight of the morning was the young revolutionaries from RISE (Restoring Integrity and Sexual Ethics). Jessica Langrell, one of the 19-year-old leaders of RISE, in her speech to the capacity crowd in the Great Hall said:

I stand on behalf of the entire RISE team as the new generation who genuinely believe that romantic relationships are properly orientated towards marriage and that sex belongs in marriage, not outside it - and we want to show how this is a better way for all young people in Australia … We oppose the “hook up” culture and want to support each other in resisting it … We are challenging young people to be courageous and act with integrity, but also in truth, clarity and sharpness … this choice should be available for all young people.

There are many young revolutionaries like Jessica who are becoming part of the new counter culture rejecting the “if it feels good, do it” mantra of the baby-boomer “sex, drugs, rock and roll” generation. They are looking for authentic relationships in a culture that has lost its ability to sustain them.

The popularity of Find My Family, one of the highest rating shows on TV, is mute testament to the hunger for deeper family relationships. The massive popularity of the World’s Strictest Parents is according to a recent article in the Herald Sun an indicator of a shift in values. The article stated, “The difference in 2009 is that networks realise that the mood of Australian TV viewers has changed and they are hankering for positive, uplifting reality shows”.

Hollywood is also getting in on the party. Movies with hero father figures have been strangely popular of late, for example, Night at the Museum, featuring Ben Stiller as the dad hero. Other movies like Swing Vote with Kevin Costner and Mall Cop are stories featuring imperfect but heroic fathers. After decades of father bashing, Hollywood is now realising that dads are cool and family themed movies are its biggest grossing productions.

Maybe our society is beginning to listen to the cry of our children. Dads4Kids Fatherhood Foundation has recently completed its community service announcements (CSAs) that will be released for Father’s Day and aired for the rest of the year. This Father’s Day we asked children what advice they would give to Australia’s fathers. Eleven-year-old Brad said, “Fathers should spend more time with their children and less time at work”. A seven-year-old girl said something similar but added that dads should let their children win when they play games with them. Her words became the caption for the CSA campaign, “Dads - Helping Kids Win”: because when dads put their children first they create a win-win situation.

That is what happened to me all those years ago on a country road when my two-year-old son called out “Daddy” from the back seat of the car as I was contemplating suicide. My love for my child had saved me. In our society it seems that the voice of the children is beginning to be heard. The dads are responding, our TV stations are listening and even Hollywood can hear the voice of the children even if it is driven by the profit motive. Call it a renewal of fatherhood, family revival or a love revolution, but whatever you call it, if it continues, there will be empty gaols dotted all over the Australian landscape and that would be a big win for our nation, our families and our children.