A testing time for our new arrivals

Interest rates and Iraqi wars are distracting our government from the urgent need to introduce loyalty oaths for Indigenous Australians. There's no point forming the wagon-trains into a circle if the Indians are already inside. Greater vigilance is necessary. So I'm proposing a “Dob in an un-Australian” hotline.

Imagine a call-centre filled with fat, balding blokes called Bruce waiting to take down the details of un-Australian behaviour as phoned in by upright Anglos. We could all be on the lookout for people who are different - and therefore dangerous, as we agreed way back in the second paragraph.

A crack flying-squad could then intercept these Threats To Our Very Way of Life. The problematic types could then be given a good dressing down and issued with a pie, some lamingtons and a video-tape of the Mighty Saints winning the 1966 Grand Final. That should put things right.

In all seriousness, if we must have an Aussie Values test, then let’s hope it's one which invites folks to take more of an interest in the vibrant mix of cultures which make up Australia in the third millennium. We don't have to concern ourselves overly with Anglo-Celtic values, given that this crew rules the roost anyhow.

But why not require “real Aussies” to learn a few words of greeting in a local Indigenous language? Or a few basic principles of a non-Christian religion? Perhaps they should know the names of the countries that make up the Horn of Africa, where many of our newest Australians come from? And have a basic understanding of soccer's “off-side” rule to assist in their enjoyment of the world game?

As these noble sentiments trickle from my pen, I realise that I'd have Buckley's hope of passing my own well-intentioned examination. So maybe we should just give the whole “compulsion” thing a bit of a rest, ditch the idea of the Aussie Values test, and simply resolve to take more interest in our most recent arrivals.

Not to mention the Australians who have been here a fair bit longer than that.