Average, normal, waiting to be equal

Two men living together as a couple is completely lawful and commonplace in this country, so when I say we are an everyday middle-aged couple in all but one respect, I’m not referring to the fact that we’re both men. For us the critical difference is that opposite-sex couples don’t find themselves under attack because of whom they live with.

I’ve lived in five countries, being open about my sexuality to varying degrees, but the only place I’ve been the target of homophobic behaviour is in Australia. For most of the last five years we have been the object of anti-gay harassment from a former neighbour. Discussion, mediation, an AVO - even his moving out of the neighbourhood - haven’t stopped the attacks. The police have been very supportive, but they can’t act unless our tormentor slips up in front of a witness.

I’m not so naïve as to confuse coincidence with cause, but it was notable that our former neighbour’s worst behaviour took place while our Federal Parliament was discussing and enacting the amendments to the Marriage Act in 2004.

Andreas and I strongly believe that by retaining the inequalities, and refusing to recognise same-sex relationships, our Federal Government maintains an environment in which hate and homophobia can thrive. It validates the views of the very few in our society who would attack us because of our sexuality. “The government treats gays and lesbians differently,” they say, “so why shouldn’t we?”

There are wider effects as well. Some young gay people attempt to escape into marriages with opposite-sex partners (I did). Some young gay people leave their homes and communities for the anonymity of large or foreign cities (I did). Worst of all, some young gay people are defeated entirely, and resort to suicide. All these responses are painful and unnecessary for individuals, families and communities.

We believe there is no essential difference between a same-sex couple and an opposite-sex one. Indeed decades ago, when homosexuality was decriminalised, the perception of difference was made redundant. The Australia Institute’s 2005 study Mapping Homophobia in Australia (pdf 212KB) showed homosexuality is not an issue in most people’s minds either. In our view, the only thing different about our relationship is that we are attacked and discriminated against because of it.

Our Federal Government has a great power to end the discrimination and neutralise the homophobes. Granting equality for same-sex relationships would rob the people who attack us of their phoney justification. This is the single biggest step our government could take against homophobic harassment and violence.

Two things struck me when I was reading through the personal submissions to this inquiry. The first was that the relationships documented here are incredibly resilient, given the obstacles they have overcome. The second was just how many of these obstacles can be attributed to our Federal Government’s refusal to recognise same-sex relationships.

In our view, there’s absolutely no justification for this. We abide by the laws of this country, we pull our weight in society, yet we’re effectively being punished for our - entirely lawful - sexual orientation.

So what should happen instead?In June this year, the Prime Minister said he was in favour of removing discrimination against homosexuals. A good start to doing so would be to extend the definition of spouse in federal legislation to include same-sex couples, in the same way as it now covers de facto couples. But real equality won’t come until we can also choose to formalise our relationships, as opposite-sex couples can. Until then, we’re just not equal.