Cancer: coping with a loved one's illness and subsequent death

The end of life came on quite quickly. My wife became weaker and less able to walk. One day she suffered a minor fall. I helped her to bed, which was the last time she was on her feet. It soon became clear that she only had days to live because she quickly became unable to eat, drink, or talk.

The medical advice was that we should seek a bed for her in a hospice for the terminally ill. The only problem was that the main one in our city was full. Another problem was that (due to Covid) only two visitors a day were allowed. I was told that the trick in getting a person admitted was to call an ambulance, which would take the patient to public hospital emergency. When the hospital decided that nothing could be done, the patient would then have to be admitted to the hospice.

I quickly decided not to put my wife through this ordeal, and that it would be better if she died at home with friends and family around. An important consideration was that she was Asian, and in her culture it is taboo to put elders into a home. She herself had looked after her own elderly mother. Family, close relatives, and friends all rallied to assist so that she was never alone during her last days, and those with medical training attended to needs like regular turning and managing continence. We were promised visits by a palliative care nurse but this never eventuated.

The funeral arrangements went well. The funeral directors were professional and efficient, as were the people at my wife's (Anglican) church. While I myself am not religious, I did observe that members of her church went "above and beyond" to help during both her illness and in providing a suitable service. The church did not charge for the funeral because she was a member of its congregation.

I took out probate myself, even though we had used a solicitor to draw up our wills. Tidying up her affairs turned out to be a not inconsiderable task, mainly because household things and financial affairs took a lot of sorting out.

First of all, her e mail and phone messages were inaccessible because we did not know the passwords. Access to communications to and from the deceased is important for identifying bills, assets, and ongoing commitments. We managed to eventually guess the e mail password but never figured out that for her mobile phone. Samsung refused to unlock the phone, which is now effectively unusable.

A second major issue was dealing with clothes, personal effects and a lifetime's collection of household and personal items, much of which was now unwanted. A lot were given to relatives and to charities or recycling facilities, but sorting out and disposal took a lot of time. We had also been in the process of getting a new kitchen installed, but this was only partly completed at the time of her death.

Despite their formidable reputation, the banks were very good to deal with. Once probate had been granted, I as executor was fairly quickly able to access accounts, and all financial details were provided.

Superannuation funds were amongst the worst to deal with. One private fund took ages to respond to correspondence and the funds took about five months in total to be paid out. The spouse component of her public sector superannuation pension also took about seven months to start being paid. Her mobile phone company was also very slow in responding, and in cancelling unwanted plans.

The ATO was an experience to deal with. It seemingly does not like to respond to correspondence and tries to push all contact through tax agents. My wife had been behind in her tax returns and in the end owed money. While there was no fine, the interest penalty (waived after appeal) applied an interest rate that would have embarrassed even Shylock. The ATO was also discovered to be holding a modest amount of "lost" superannuation. To date this still has not been paid out.

Overall, in my wife's case, the treatment was probably worse than the disease itself, though the treatment probably extended her life. The problem is that you can't fully tell in advance how effective a treatment is going to be.

There are guides to indicate what people should do before they die. While useful, especially in preparing for financial contingencies, practical solutions to allow for this digital age are generally left out. Similarly, there are useful guides as to what to do after a loved one dies,