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‘If you are the one’: dating Chinese style

By Peter West - posted Monday, 19 October 2015


The tension for women between having a job and child-rearing is clear. In China some talk of a crisis of masculinity as men look in vain for old certainties and see instead widespread feminisation of society. The solution offered (however questionable) is to ''instil in boys a sense of manhood" through boxing and other physical sports.

Meanwhile, many women in China have succeeded in business, only to find marriage eludes them. The Chinese label shengnu (leftover women), in state-controlled media and internet message boards describes women who are smart and successful but still not married by the age of 28.

The preference in China and India for having boysproduces a marriage squeeze when those boys become men and search desperately for a suitable wife. Census data say there are 37 million more men than women in India and 20 million more in China. Indians are shifting from arranged marriages to dating sites. Shaadi.com boasts it has made a million marriages in eleven years. In China, 94% of unmarried people are male, with worrying social consequences- loneliness, crime, or possibly rape. So the dating game looks at times like a piranha tank.

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One or two of these people will succeed in getting who they want. Most will be rejected. Is it worth all the tears?

BELONGING AND REJECTION

Psychologists say we all need to belong. The opposite is to be an outcast. Rejection has been known to produce actual physical pain. Repeated rejection leads to anxiety, depression, and sadness. Men who break up with a partner are at risk of depression, even suicide.

Hence the cunning appeal of the promos for IYATO:

Do people ask why you're still single? Are you terrified you're going to die alone? Do you worry that no-one will love you - ever?

Most of us have searched for a partner at some stage. Many of us have been frustrated- we hear comments like "all the Sydney guys are taken, or gay. And a lot of them are cheating." Or "Women want so much these days". Many have been hurt, but we can watch and get pleasure from watching the chase. Is it Schadenfreude- joy in observing the sorrow of others?

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We fear being alone. And finding the right partner is a key determinant in our happiness. For many, there's a dread of being dumped. That's why programs like these are so popular. We'll hear more of all this soon, when IYATO is sending producers to Australia to interview prospective candidates for the show. Why not volunteer? Just one hitch: you must be fluent in Mandarin.

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Fei Cheng Wu Rao (simplified Chinese: 非诚勿扰; traditional Chinese: 非誠勿擾; literally: "If not sincere then do not disturb", known in English as If You Are the One) is a Chinese dating game show hosted by Meng Fei.



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About the Author

Dr Peter West is a well-known social commentator and an expert on men's and boys' issues. He is the author of Fathers, Sons and Lovers: Men Talk about Their Lives from the 1930s to Today (Finch,1996). He works part-time in the Faculty of Education, Australian Catholic University, Sydney.

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