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‘If you are the one’: dating Chinese style

By Peter West - posted Monday, 19 October 2015


Dating shows seem popular on TV, both western-style and Asian-style. For some months, some of us have been watching one on SBS ."If You Are the One" (IYATO) comes from China and has a 'huge cult following', says SBS Communications Manager, Michael Morcos. Cult TV contrasts with mainstream TV and has a smaller but passionate audience.

IYATO looks like a job interview. The man is presented like a candidate to a panel of girls. "He's OK", one girl says; "you can't be too fussy". "You look very cute" says another. "I like fatties" says another.

The IYATO girls ask: What's your job? Do you love your mother? Surely every man loves his mother, yet she might be interfering; or maybe he doesn't love her enough. The girls look sweet, but their questions show they are hard as nails. One sees two girls fighting over a desirable man, and says "I don't want to enter the battle". My Chinese friends point out that with 24 girls competing in a short time, they need to get to the point fast. Likewise, they must switch a light off to decide, which makes them seem cruel.

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Unlike popular Australian dating shows like ( oh, never mind! ), a short viewing doesn't send any man in search of a whisky, or a wall to hit his head against.

WHAT'S A DESIRABLE MAN?

Australian men historically, were expected to perform, protect and provide for loved ones. A desirable man had a solid, well-paid job and money saved towards a house.

Until the 1970s a reasonably ordinary Australian man with a steady job could propose to a girl with confidence he would be carefully considered. She would be expected to bear his children and do the housework, perhaps until she could take up part-time work. The rules have changed.

Men are being told in many countries to work harder, dress smarter, and take all kinds of suspicious-sounding supplements so they can bounce with good health and perform like a pornstar. They have to look amazing and be successful. The beautiful body for western men has been much discussed since at least the late 1990s, and many of the men in the streets of our major cities are visibly pumped up on something.

Far more is expected both of men and women in juggling child-rearing, managing a job, sharing responsibility for rent or mortgage, cleaning and gardening. The Harvard Business Review found that both men and women executives struggled with the excessive demands of work. Many can't manage the juggling act, and work just to survive. And it leaves people feeling they are failures.

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The Chinese men on IYATO are small and moderately proportioned. But it's clear that Chinese girls have some desirable traits in mind. The man they want must look decent, though I haven't seen any trim torsos displayed. He must have a healthy relationship with parents; guys whose parents are divorced are not popular. And he should show that he cares for a potential partner, perhaps 'spending quality time' or seeming likely to help clean house. Perhaps some of this sounds familiar to an Australian audience? Money is assessed by girls asking covert questions about work. Reports say that the money side of the show was toned down after authorities said it was too vulgar. Parents - both in China and Australia - sometimes ask their sons to take part: the role of Chinese parents in influencing who a man marries is still strong.

In IYATO the men try hard to impress girls, and often miss badly. Perhaps because from their earliest years, females talk together about connection and get a solid understanding in human relationships. Women get a solid grounding in choosing the right partner - by reading fiction; men as a rule do not. And men tend to avoid anything sounding too 'romantic' or written by women. Of course, anything that smacks of feminism is to be avoided like the plague. Women have the challenge of choosing a man who will stay faithful, be a good father and resist the temptation of online dating sites.

MEN AND WOMEN IN CHINA

The tension for women between having a job and child-rearing is clear. In China some talk of a crisis of masculinity as men look in vain for old certainties and see instead widespread feminisation of society. The solution offered (however questionable) is to ''instil in boys a sense of manhood" through boxing and other physical sports.

Meanwhile, many women in China have succeeded in business, only to find marriage eludes them. The Chinese label shengnu (leftover women), in state-controlled media and internet message boards describes women who are smart and successful but still not married by the age of 28.

The preference in China and India for having boysproduces a marriage squeeze when those boys become men and search desperately for a suitable wife. Census data say there are 37 million more men than women in India and 20 million more in China. Indians are shifting from arranged marriages to dating sites. Shaadi.com boasts it has made a million marriages in eleven years. In China, 94% of unmarried people are male, with worrying social consequences- loneliness, crime, or possibly rape. So the dating game looks at times like a piranha tank.

One or two of these people will succeed in getting who they want. Most will be rejected. Is it worth all the tears?

BELONGING AND REJECTION

Psychologists say we all need to belong. The opposite is to be an outcast. Rejection has been known to produce actual physical pain. Repeated rejection leads to anxiety, depression, and sadness. Men who break up with a partner are at risk of depression, even suicide.

Hence the cunning appeal of the promos for IYATO:

Do people ask why you're still single? Are you terrified you're going to die alone? Do you worry that no-one will love you - ever?

Most of us have searched for a partner at some stage. Many of us have been frustrated- we hear comments like "all the Sydney guys are taken, or gay. And a lot of them are cheating." Or "Women want so much these days". Many have been hurt, but we can watch and get pleasure from watching the chase. Is it Schadenfreude- joy in observing the sorrow of others?

We fear being alone. And finding the right partner is a key determinant in our happiness. For many, there's a dread of being dumped. That's why programs like these are so popular. We'll hear more of all this soon, when IYATO is sending producers to Australia to interview prospective candidates for the show. Why not volunteer? Just one hitch: you must be fluent in Mandarin.

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Fei Cheng Wu Rao (simplified Chinese: 非诚勿扰; traditional Chinese: 非誠勿擾; literally: "If not sincere then do not disturb", known in English as If You Are the One) is a Chinese dating game show hosted by Meng Fei.



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About the Author

Dr Peter West is a well-known social commentator and an expert on men's and boys' issues. He is the author of Fathers, Sons and Lovers: Men Talk about Their Lives from the 1930s to Today (Finch,1996). He works part-time in the Faculty of Education, Australian Catholic University, Sydney.

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