The neurosis of marriage

The world rejoices because the USA has allowed homosexuals to become married. Now they can rush into marriage with all the same neurotic fervour as heterosexual couples do. Is this a cause for celebration?

Everyone should have the right to get married in the same way that you should have a right to smoke, to eat fatty foods, to take drugs, to abuse alcohol and to jump off the Golden Gate bridge but why would you want to? People do those kinds of things fundamentally to try and meet some emotional need and this is what I mean by neurotic behaviour – it is behaviour which aims to meet emotional needs by behaving in ways that can never achieve that aim.

Getting married is one of those behaviours and the desperate push by homosexual people to get married only shows that they are as equally neurotic as heterosexual people. It is a push for equality but only in terms of having the same neurotic behaviour available to them as heterosexuals have.

There are many people in the world now who just live together rather than get married and that seems enough for them. Why is it enough for some and not for others? We are all human beings with the same needs and desires and attractions but what makes some people yearn for marriage whilst others are content without it?

The debate over same-sex marriage should be an opportune time to look at the whole question of marriage and whether or not it is a natural and reasonable thing for humans to do at all. Is it just a primitive throwback that keeps us from growing up and realising our full potential? Everyone who fails to achieve their full potential drags the society down by just so much. Is the artificial maintenance of this 'institution' and the concomitant industry that it supports really doing us any good?

No one really questions why heterosexual people get married as opposed to living together. It is like a sacred taboo that you don't go near. When someone announces they are engaged you dare not ask them why they feel the need to get married. Homosexuals have been opposed in their desire to get married and have been forced to give reasons why they should have that same right as heterosexuals. When they give their answers they say that it is because they love their partner and want to express that love or they want commitment or the social standing they think that marriage will bring. Many heterosexuals nod in agreement because they recognise these same desires in themselves. This is why there is such huge support for same-sex marriage because so many heterosexuals see such reasons as being about fundamental human needs. They identify with these needs because they also have them. When we really examine those needs we can see that they are not truly human needs at all and that both heterosexual and homosexual people are really trying to meet some deeper emotional need.

It's all about love

People say they want to get married because they love each other but what does marriage add to a loving relationship that does not already exist? Do couples feel any differently in relation to each other the day after their wedding? They might feel differently in relation to their parents who have been putting emotional pressure on them to marry. They might feel a certain relief from a stress which they have uncritically taken on board but it is not the answer to their problem. They may feel the same relief in regards to their relationship with siblings or friends who all have marriage certificates. The same applies with the wider society. For same-sex couples it may bring a sense of relief that their relationship is accepted by that society in general.

All these things might make someone feel different but only in relation to people and society that they already have issues with. Insecurities in those relationships should be dealt with as separate items and not pasted over by getting married. Such insecurities cannot be dealt with by neurotic behaviour such as alcoholism or drugs or marriage. Marriage does not add anything to the love you have for your partner – it only helps to anaesthetise you from the substantial emotional dependence you have on parents, siblings, friends and society. In fact it could be detrimental to the love you share when you begin to use your relationship with your partner as a bulwark against the stresses you encounter in relationships with others.

Commitment

Many people say they want to get married for the sake of commitment. There is only one good reason for remaining in an intimate relationship and that is because you love the person you are with. Entering or remaining in a relationship out of a desire for commitment is a sham and not becoming of a free and mature adult.

People who look for some reason other than love to keep them bound are basically insecure about their own lovableness. They do not feel confident that another person would want to stay with them simply because they are loveable so they appeal to artificial strictures that they hope will help them with their insecurities. They want a legal relationship in the hope that the law will keep their partner from leaving them. They show denial when it is exposed that the same law can just as easily end their relationship. They may want to extract from their partner a promise that they will remain 'until death do us part' in the hope that their partner will never see that no promise ever actually binds anyone to do anything as long as they are prepared to accept the consequences for breaking it.

Getting married in order to keep someone in a relationship when they no longer want to be in is about trying to meet some deep insecurity about one's own lovableness and worth. Such insecurities need to be dealt with in the proper manner and marriage should never be used to try and hide those insecurities.

Social standing

There is no doubt that there always has been and still is a great deal of pressure from society to be married. This pressure has been placed on women in particular. Thanks to the hard won freedom gained by women in recent times this pressure is lessening but it is still present enough to force many women to resort to marriage in order to try and escape that pressure.

Many in society are not content with couples who just want to live together in a loving relationship – they want to see the complete theatrical presentation of a formal wedding. Many industries have built empires around maintaining the fairytale romance and wedding fantasy scenario. Many young women are brainwashed by all those who have a vested interest in maintaining this marriage myth. They are told that their wedding day is the greatest day of their life. Celebrity weddings which are hyped up in the media, reality shows whose only aim is to have an outcome of marriage, dramas and soap operas which all climax in a wedding ceremony all contribute to presenting an image to young women and girls that such is what is expected.

Even more pervasive is the emotional pressure applied by relatives and friends to get married and to stay married. When you are in a miserable situation it is often a tactic to try and induce others into entering the same situation in order to deny your own unhappiness. This is often what is behind family pressure on young people to marry. If married people are so happy being married then there is no need to try and convince others of the benefits of being married. If those benefits are so good they will be obvious and anyone trying to convince others is really only trying to convince themselves.

There are pressures coming from all quarters in society to be married but no one should do anything in their life which is not necessary and which only bows to the pressure of others. Doing so only demonstrates a basic insecurity which can never be appeased by behaving in ways that do not address that insecurity. Getting married in order to try and keep peace with one's insecurities about oneself is not reasonable or logical behaviour. It is neurotic behaviour.

Of course everyone who wants to get married or is married denies all these hidden insecurities but what other reasons could there be for going through the marriage pantomime? The whole phenomenon of the 'marriage institution' needs to be seriously exposed for what it is. In recent years we have seen countless hours and millions of dollars spent on debating whether to accept more neurotic marriages by same-sex couples. Our society should be ashamed of itself that it is even talking about marriage at all. Whoever fronts the altar or registry office is doing so to meet some very basic insecurities. If we want to be a mature society and one which genuinely cares for the real emotional needs of its members we will want to address their real problems and not be a party to their denial.