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A disease of the others

By Ariadne Minos - posted Friday, 5 July 2013


As a society, we think of people with alcohol problems as those others, down and outs, intractable, dealt with by social welfare agencies, moved on by police, overnighting in the lockup. Or the binge-drinking youths in the nightclub precincts. It's not our problem, it is the problem of that other bloke. But the reality is quite different. Alcoholism directly and indirectly affects nearly every Australian in every walk of life, including the white-collar professional who drinks quietly and steadily at home in suburbia at the end of a long stressful day, like Jane.

Jane, an attractive 50-something flame-haired woman, with skin ivory white and unlined as porcelain, sits across the table from me thoughtfully stirring her black tea. Jane is an alcoholic, but nothing about her gives away her secret. 'The only time I could relax was when I was asleep or drunk,' she says. From a family with an alcoholic father, Jane began experimenting with alcohol as a teenager. Gradually she became more and more dependent. Her cheeks pink slightly as she describes the humiliation of sleeping with men, and often more than one at once - they would take it in turns - just for the free drinks they would give her. These days she controls her drinking. She tries to stick to fifteen standard drinks a week because, she says, of her vanity about keeping her looks, and because of her pride. Jane says she doesn't have that inner switch that tells her when to stop, and sometimes a day at the office needs a bigger 'reward' so she can face the next day.

Later that evening, I sit in a dusty suburban church hall. It is a chilly autumn night, the wind rattles the windows and doors. With me are a group of ordinary people, all women, who live with the spectre of alcoholism. Before the meeting gets underway, we sit huddled in a circle, regarding each other, wondering about what brings each of us here. The meeting starts, and everyone swears to secrecy. It is an Al-Anon meeting, a support group for families and friends of alcoholics. Each woman has a story - of love, hate, codependency and entrapment. The pain in the room is palpable and raw. Some find themselves in similar circumstances to Victoria, and all are getting to grips with the consequences of living with an alcoholic. When I leave, I feel sad, and grateful that I escaped.

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In April 2013, the Foundation for Alcohol Research and Education (FARE) published their Annual Alcohol Poll, which looks at Australians' attitudes to alcohol consumption. It makes for salutary reading: 23 per cent of Australians can't stop drinking once they start; 31 per cent feel guilty or remorseful after drinking; 67 per cent think it's OK to get drunk. The greater the quantity of alcohol consumed, the less likely people are to perceive that they have a problem. Again, from FARE, 'Australians only admit to drinking half the alcohol that's sold'.

Part of the problem is the lack of understanding about what constitutes a standard drink. The National Health and Medical Research Council guidelines suggest consuming no more than two standard drinks a day to reduce the risk of long-term harm from alcohol-related diseases, and to have at least two alcohol-free days each week. A 100 ml glass of wine is about one standard drink. I suggest you go to the kitchen right now and measure out 100 ml. It is not much!

Australians have a problem with alcohol. It is time to recognise it and time to shift our culture to a greater understanding of the costs, both tangible and intangible.

...

Relations with my ex have been difficult, as they often are, even so this news is hard. For anyone with a smallest glimmer of compassion, to hear that a once-loved individual has descended into an abyss of self-abuse and neglect is heart rending. He was found alone, the doors locked to the prying world, a recluse to his neighbours, with little apart from a dismantled motorcycle engine and an empty bottle of meths in his house. No food, no money, few home comforts. He lay in a soiled bed, the victim of a stroke, powerless, alone.

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I compose myself and gently stroke his hair. He opens his eyes, piss-yellow and bloodshot, a shadow of recognition passes over his face. Memories of the arguments fade, instead I recall his first kiss in the dark cavernous spaces of a London train station on a freezing wintery night. The nights of passion snuggled up in our single bed, all we could afford. His cheeky and wicked humour. A good-looking man, fit, strong, intelligent. This man, I once loved.

The man in front of me is confused and mumbling. His hands shake; his body is deformed and distended. His kidneys are failing. The doctors say he has alcohol dementia. His legs are useless. He tugs at his hospital gown, as if trying to prise it away from his body. He pulls, irritated, at his incontinence pad.

Yes, we have a problem with alcohol in Australia. And it is costing us dearly.

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All names have been changed for privacy reasons. This article was first published in The Weekend Australian.



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About the Author

Ariadne Minos is the nom-de-plume of a woman whose former partner is now suffering from alcoholic dementia.

Creative Commons LicenseThis work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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