Smoko: PMs present, past and perhaps

We're running late for smoko today. Just back from a month's hols, and the van hasn't shown up. It's good to see The Good, The Bad & the Ugly have all safely returned to work. After all, Blondie is the brains of the operation, Angel Eyes provides the muscle, and we keep Tuco around purely for his good looks!

Your raging correspondent has kept his ear to the ground during the silly season, trying to ascertain for On Line Opinion how the holidaying worker rates our nation's leaders.

First, the current PM, John Howard. Carmen Lawrence was spot on when she described Honest John as being "the most deeply ordinary person that I've ever confronted in Australian politics". And there lies the secret of his success, as Matt Price tells us in The Australian (So ordinary, this man's extraordinary). The blue-collar battlers are very comfortable with him: they feel Little Johnny is no better than any of them. They hope he stays on for a while yet, as the current crop of pretenders do not impress.

What of our former Prime Ministers? As I was born during Black Jack McEwen's brief term, I can only remember back to the days of old Hawkey spontaneously giving us a national holiday after sucking too much champagne from his shirt when we won The America's Cup. But my colleagues are mostly children of the Menzies-Holt era, with one going all the way back to Joe Scullin! So I picked their mildly inebriated brains about our recent PMs while on the party circuit.

They remember the Robert Menzies era as being "when time stood still. Australia was stuck in the 50s for over 20 years." Harold Holt was a "Menzies clone" whom they hated for his "sucking up to LBJ". They still argue over his disappearance, with shark attack and suicide being the prevailing schools of thought. No one remembers McEwen, but they all loved John Gorton:

"A man's man, with a woman on each arm!"
"A bloody great larrikin."
"Stood up to the Yanks."
"Top Aussie bloke. Didn't he knock that journo up?"

My workmates are far less agreeable about Gorton's successor, Billy McMahon. Indeed, they seem embarrassed simply by the mention of his name:

"He was a poon, a complete moron!"
"A dwarf with big ears."
"Yeah, but his wife had great legs!"
"What did she ever see in him?"
"Didn't her son marry a Minogue?"

They could not explain how a man of his limited abilities ever became Prime Minister: "I think the Libs knew they were going to lose to Gough, so they put him up to be the bunny."

What of Whitlam? They remember Gough for his style, not his substance:

"Great speaker."
"Something was always happening."
"Pulled the troops out of Vietnam!"
"No, you dolt, that was Gorton!"
"I thought it was McMahon?"
"Well I knew he had to be good for something!"

When I pressed further, they could only remember one lasting achievement of the Whitlam government - the purchase of Blue Poles.

Malcolm Fraser's lasting achievement was precisely that he did nothing. His term seems to have been a post-Whitlam hangover. They do like Bob Hawke, particularly for reaching consensus with the unions. The first years of the Hawke government are well regarded, though "he lost the plot towards the end".

It is Hawke's successor, Paul Keating, who is the most controversial former PM. Our Aussie battlers are still divided over him. Some loved his invective in Parliament, while others just shudder with rage when they talk of "13 years of hard labour" and "Too busy sucking up to Asia too look after the economy".

So what of the future? The punters regard Peter Costello's ascension to The Lodge as a fait accompli, though it is not something that is particularly welcomed. It is largely assumed that a Republic may happen under him. The only other Liberal they say will achieve high office is Tony Abbott, who is regarded as an "immature prat". "Be all right if he stopped behaving like a schoolboy". Phillip Ruddock is popular, but considered too old. Alexander Downer has not been forgiven for his fishnet stockings, or "The Things That Batter". Robert Hill is regarded as competent minister and a potential leader.

Readers of this column will know that the workforce has written off Simon Crean, and favour a return of Kim Beazley. Of other Labor hopefuls, Latham is popular, Kevin Rudd is well regarded, and Craig Emerson unknown. Wayne Swan suffers from his association with Queensland's Goss government, which promised so much and delivered so little. Amazing how difficult it can be to turn rhetoric into policy. As for the state premiers, no one envisages any of them making a successful foray into Canberra.

How about a female Prime Minister? Most other democracies have had one by now, what about Australia? Carmen Lawrence was referred to as "Meg Lees with PMT", a prima donna lacking credibility. Bronwyn Bishop is a source of ribald jokes. And of Jenny Macklin: "Who?" "Never heard of her." No other females rate a mention.

Where's that bloody smoko van? If it doesn't get here soon, I think I'll gnaw my arm off!