All bi myself

I soon gave up. It was so much easier to follow the strictly hetero-lifestyle that lay invitingly before me, all neon lit and beckoning – with its irresistible lack of prejudice and vilification. I don't deny my innate animal attraction towards men has also always been there. I was most definitely attracted to older, (seemingly) worldlier men – for the things they could teach me about the magical, intoxicating and inexorably egocentric world of heterosexual sex. But that doesn't mean it all came naturally.

Speaking of acquired tastes. By the time I entered my 30s, I started confiding in my closer friends that I also fancied women. The first thing I'd get asked was "does this mean you want to go down on women?" Straight women would screw up their face when they asked this and most straight men's eyes lit up. Apparently this is what super straight people think truly separates straight women from bi women – the singular desire to perform oral sex. They take that one act - entirely out of the context of desire, passion or emotion - examine it clinically and superficially and decide that it's thedeal breaker.

In short, people are idiots. Most of us feel perfectly normal having deep, spiritual and loving friendships with either sex - yet people get so hung up on the mechanics of perceived 'appropriate' sexual acts that they simply cannot fathom the concept of being totally swept up and in the moment with another human being – irrespective of their genitalia. They seem to forget that even their own specific sexual tastes were also learned, as much through trial and error as anything innate, and that even the most vanilla hetero-experiences were awkward, uncomfortable and downright foreign at first.

I remember the feeling of shock and awe when I first encountered a full grown man's (in retrospect, very impressive) erect penis. I was quite afraid and expected it to hurt. It did – a lot. It took a fair bit of practice to make it work. Eventually, practice did make perfect, but I have never forgotten how that all came about. It was quite a few months before penetration stopped being very painful. I didn't see fireworks. Orgasm didn't miraculously occur in those early days either – despite his girth! Everything 'came' with practice. Initial intimacies – regardless of gender – are an acquired taste, just like oysters, spicy food and fine red wine. And our experiences never stop evolving (or is that just me?). One particular thing I didn't really like doing at first…I grew to love. No prizes for guessing what that may have been.

By the way, I also adore oysters, spicy food and red wine.

To me, being bi isn't about sex at all. It's knowing that I am capable of falling under the spell of any adult of any age, race or gender. So what if the sum-total of my sexual experiences with women represents a fraction of my hetero ones - they all count! I am eternally grateful for the times I had the exquisite pleasure of holding a woman close and kissing her passionately - it truly felt like coming home. Regardless of my higher ideals, I am of course attracted to certain women on a purely sexual level and unsurprisingly they are usually lesbian or bi women. And because bi women don't often declare themselves, there's guess work involved. My bi-dar has become well tuned. This does not mean I'm lusting over all my female friends.

Yes, I'm married and we have an outstanding sexual relationship but he knows I am not, and have never in my life considered myself 'straight'. I feel I belong within the LGBT community, and while I have experienced occasional negative vibes from lesbians who urge me to 'stick to my own' I feel really comfortable in Queer-friendly environments. Ironically, some lesbian women feel threatened in much the same way straight men feel towards gay women and some gay men feel towards straight women. We're a suspicious and insecure lot, aren't we?

And this is why the labels and distinctions seem to matter so much – because other people's hang-ups hold far too much sway in how we individually live our lives. This makes me profoundly sad for members of the younger generation that still struggle with coming to terms with their sexuality. If any young, bisexual man or woman reading this, feels in any way happier and more comfortable about their sexuality – then writing it is worth whatever possible flak I may incur from anyone to whom this information about me still comes as a surprise – or indeed, an embarrassment. But I don't care. We all desire society's tolerance, acceptance, support and understanding.

Even we greedy, indecisive, psycho, sex maniacs.

Some refreshing perspectives on liking it both ways:

"The time has come, I think, when we must recognize bisexuality as a normal form of human behavior… we shall not really succeed in discarding the straitjacket of our cultural beliefs about sexual choice if we fail to come to terms with the well-documented, normal human capacity to love members of both sexes."

Margaret Mead, Redbook (1975)