All bi myself

Let's just say right from the kick-off that I'm not a fan of labels. But people in general seem to take great comfort in using them. More often than not, the subject of marriage equality is referred to as 'Gay Marriage' rather than the more accurate term 'Same Sex Marriage'. Society wants to push us into corners, rather than let us move freely about the room. The equal marriage rights debate seems to highlight relational misconceptions further still – and to be honest, I'm really quite over it. So I have decided to make a grand gesture and wave my pink, blue and purple flag - publicly declaring myself 'bisexual' – in lieu of a better word.

Why bother?

For starters, I'm sick of feeling repressed and misunderstood. Even in this day and age, the bisexual tag is burdened with myths and expectations and is still sometimes met with hostility and derision from persons residing resolutely on either side of The Fence. We are the red-headed step-children of the sexual spectrum. Coming out as bi is still surprisingly difficult. Young people who experiment sexually these days are accused of jumping on the bandwagon of a fashion trend or succumbing to peer-group pressure to perform daring party tricks, rather than following their own innate predilections. People need to put us in pigeonholes – in order to definethemselves with greater resolve.

I keep waiting for more frank, open and candid conversation about bisexuality in the media. Support groups are finally sprouting up on the internet, but the groundswell has yet to reach the mainstream. As a person involved in the arts, I often find myself overhearing speculative conversations about peoples' sexuality. "Do you think he/she's gay?" You virtually never hear anyone ask, "Do you think he/she is bi"? Bisexuality, particularly in young men, is mostly seen as the air-lock chamber between straight and gay; a mere whistle stop on the way to Homo-ville. Sometimes this is true, but not always.

It's frustrating. Bisexuality has a ridiculously low profile. Think of all the gay role models out there – now try and think of any bi role-models, either in true life or in fiction that haven't also been portrayed as 'predatory' or 'eccentric' and most significantly – not to be trusted. People can be so judgemental. Just once in all those seasons of Sex and the City, I wanted Carrie Bradshaw to say:

"So I wondered…does anyone who is not bisexual, really understand what bisexuality means?"

How many people even dare to 'come out' as bi? And when they do, are they really taken seriously? Some folks even seem to view their own closeted bisexuality as an insignificant, secret addendum to their gayness or heterosexuality. It's a grey area not worth mentioning (read: not legitimate). Everyone thinks being bi is about percentages and unless you are having full on relationships with both sexes, all the time, then you aren't really bi. I've even had a male friend tell me I am not bi 'because I have never had a long term relationship with a woman'.

I could only counter: "That does not mean I have never wanted to"…

I cannot turn back the clock, but I know my romantic history would have been vastly different if I'd been born 20 years ago, instead of 50. My first instinctive attraction was to females. I vividly recall those early compelling stirrings, which were triggered by seeing saucy cartoons, photos, 1970s TV soapies – anything - which featured naked breasts. I would often hide in Dad's wardrobe, (I can still recall the pungent aroma of his shoes) looking at his dirty magazines and feeling a mysterious aching delight wash over me while gazing at these forbidden images of naughty ladies who chose to bare their boobs for fun and profit - Gawd bless 'em!

My sexuality was up for grabs back then. My childhood friends and I were always mucking around having pretend make-out sessions as far back as primary school.

The first time I properly kissed a boy was around the same time I also pashed a girl. I was 13. The boy was just a boy I knew…I think we were playing Spin the Bottle and I wasn't really into him. The girl was my best friend and it happened during a sleep-over at her house. The former experience was inept and awkward; the latter was sensual and rather full-on. No need to highlight which experience felt the most natural. Alas it was a one-off. I was all for taking our friendship to the next level, but she had a crush on a boy and had to let me down gently. Meanwhile our other friends at school found out about our tryst (possibly due to the huge rash of love-bites on her neck) and teased me and called me a 'leso'. I felt ostracised, so into the closet I scrambled. Sure, we can call it childish experimentation I suppose, but this doesn't negate the fact that throughout my teen years I was often quite jealous of friends' boyfriends and vicariously fantasised about taking their place. I suppressed this urge and remained in denial about it for over a decade. Having said that, there were times when I did try to steal a kiss here and there (especially after a few drinks) much to their surprise. A few times I was even brave enough to broach the subject while stone-cold sober…"say, have you ever wanted to…" But the answer was always no.

I was the only bi in my very small village.

I soon gave up. It was so much easier to follow the strictly hetero-lifestyle that lay invitingly before me, all neon lit and beckoning – with its irresistible lack of prejudice and vilification. I don't deny my innate animal attraction towards men has also always been there. I was most definitely attracted to older, (seemingly) worldlier men – for the things they could teach me about the magical, intoxicating and inexorably egocentric world of heterosexual sex. But that doesn't mean it all came naturally.

Speaking of acquired tastes. By the time I entered my 30s, I started confiding in my closer friends that I also fancied women. The first thing I'd get asked was "does this mean you want to go down on women?" Straight women would screw up their face when they asked this and most straight men's eyes lit up. Apparently this is what super straight people think truly separates straight women from bi women – the singular desire to perform oral sex. They take that one act - entirely out of the context of desire, passion or emotion - examine it clinically and superficially and decide that it's thedeal breaker.

In short, people are idiots. Most of us feel perfectly normal having deep, spiritual and loving friendships with either sex - yet people get so hung up on the mechanics of perceived 'appropriate' sexual acts that they simply cannot fathom the concept of being totally swept up and in the moment with another human being – irrespective of their genitalia. They seem to forget that even their own specific sexual tastes were also learned, as much through trial and error as anything innate, and that even the most vanilla hetero-experiences were awkward, uncomfortable and downright foreign at first.

I remember the feeling of shock and awe when I first encountered a full grown man's (in retrospect, very impressive) erect penis. I was quite afraid and expected it to hurt. It did – a lot. It took a fair bit of practice to make it work. Eventually, practice did make perfect, but I have never forgotten how that all came about. It was quite a few months before penetration stopped being very painful. I didn't see fireworks. Orgasm didn't miraculously occur in those early days either – despite his girth! Everything 'came' with practice. Initial intimacies – regardless of gender – are an acquired taste, just like oysters, spicy food and fine red wine. And our experiences never stop evolving (or is that just me?). One particular thing I didn't really like doing at first…I grew to love. No prizes for guessing what that may have been.

By the way, I also adore oysters, spicy food and red wine.

To me, being bi isn't about sex at all. It's knowing that I am capable of falling under the spell of any adult of any age, race or gender. So what if the sum-total of my sexual experiences with women represents a fraction of my hetero ones - they all count! I am eternally grateful for the times I had the exquisite pleasure of holding a woman close and kissing her passionately - it truly felt like coming home. Regardless of my higher ideals, I am of course attracted to certain women on a purely sexual level and unsurprisingly they are usually lesbian or bi women. And because bi women don't often declare themselves, there's guess work involved. My bi-dar has become well tuned. This does not mean I'm lusting over all my female friends.

Yes, I'm married and we have an outstanding sexual relationship but he knows I am not, and have never in my life considered myself 'straight'. I feel I belong within the LGBT community, and while I have experienced occasional negative vibes from lesbians who urge me to 'stick to my own' I feel really comfortable in Queer-friendly environments. Ironically, some lesbian women feel threatened in much the same way straight men feel towards gay women and some gay men feel towards straight women. We're a suspicious and insecure lot, aren't we?

And this is why the labels and distinctions seem to matter so much – because other people's hang-ups hold far too much sway in how we individually live our lives. This makes me profoundly sad for members of the younger generation that still struggle with coming to terms with their sexuality. If any young, bisexual man or woman reading this, feels in any way happier and more comfortable about their sexuality – then writing it is worth whatever possible flak I may incur from anyone to whom this information about me still comes as a surprise – or indeed, an embarrassment. But I don't care. We all desire society's tolerance, acceptance, support and understanding.

Even we greedy, indecisive, psycho, sex maniacs.

Some refreshing perspectives on liking it both ways:

"The time has come, I think, when we must recognize bisexuality as a normal form of human behavior… we shall not really succeed in discarding the straitjacket of our cultural beliefs about sexual choice if we fail to come to terms with the well-documented, normal human capacity to love members of both sexes."

Margaret Mead, Redbook (1975)

"Oh! I want to put my arms around you; I ache to hold you close. Your ring is a great comfort. I look at it and think she does love me or I wouldn't be wearing it!

Eleanor Roosevelt, in a letter to Lorena Hickok, March 7, 1933

"I do not in the least underestimate bisexuality… I expect it to provide all further enlightenment."

Letter from Sigmund Freud to Wilhelm Fliess (25 March 1898)

"He has told me he likes men as well as he likes women, which seems only natural, he says, since he is the offspring of two sexes as well as two races. No one is surprised he is biracial; why should they be surprised he is bisexual? This is an explanation I have never heard and cannot entirely grasp; it seems too logical for my brain."

Alice Walker, 'Possessing the Secret of Joy'

"Some people move in lesbian circles. I move in bisexual dodecahedrons."

Anonymous, posted on the Internet

"To deny it implies that it's wrong." Alan Cumming