The rise of the Snuggie

Snuggies went on sale in the States in August 2008. Four million have been sold already in the Land of the Free. But according to a report in USA Today, the Internet is crowded with angry testimonials from consumers in the States who say they were overcharged or never got their order or waited much longer than four to six weeks for their Snuggies to arrive.

Max says that the Snuggie is the most static prone of all the blankets, which poses some problems for those who like to go au naturel underneath. It also comes in neon red or blue, which is patriotic and looks good when we stand up to sing the Star Spangled Union Jack.

Another style of sleeves “n” blanket is the Slanket at US$38. This is the most expensive of the major three. Max says that this is real value for money. It’s 1.5x2.4 metres of pure pleasure so it’s long enough to fit most people, except giant circus freaks. The sleeves are wizardy enough to keep you warm with enough space for manoeuvrability, such as drinking beer, smoking bongs and playing electronic games.

The Freedom Blanket, US$30 (possibly to be marketed here as the Eureka Stockade Blanket), performs somewhere between a Snuggie and a Slanket. The Freedom Blanket isn’t quite as comfortable as the Slanket but comparing it to the Snuggie would be like comparing Nicola Roxon’s haircut with the lank fly away hair of a greasy teen skateboarder. The comparison is cruel and unnecessary.

Now you might think that there’s no way Australians would buy something called a Snuggie. You’d be dead set wrong. Catholic and Anglican priests love them. Electronic gamers swear by them and they’re very popular with the mulled wine swilling Sustainable Population Australia cult in the Adelaide Hills.

One of their biggest markets for the Snuggie is people who re-enact medieval battles such as Tewkesbury and Agincourt - minus the arrows of course. Apparently they’re also very popular at the Federal Parliamentary prayer meetings.

Members of the Heavens Gate Cult wore uniforms not unlike a Snuggie just before they made their one-way trip to the awaiting star ship hiding behind the Hale Bopp comet. If you don’t believe me, check out the Heavens Gate website.

This is the time of the Snuggie. It’s “Opus Dei”, Angels and Demons and the Stonecutters episode of the The Simpsons. We’re going back to the middle ages at a rate of knots and if we find solace in a Snuggie or two or four, who, in the name of Merlin says that’s bad?