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Death, dying, and disposal

By Zenith Virago - posted Tuesday, 10 February 2009


Is death the final frontier? The last taboo? I don’t think so. Death and dying are a very natural part of our life cycle. It may be expected or sudden, long and slow, accidental and fast; we don’t know when or how, but we do know its coming.

Some people may find this a shocking revelation, others just a simple fact of life. Familiarity with death is something that has been slowly eroded from our modern lifestyles; it has been taken away from us and become big business.

If we can live embracing the reality of our own physical impermanence, far from being terrifying, our lives can be enriched. Robert Larkin’s book, Funeral Rights (Penguin, 2008), gives us the most comprehensive view of both the historical and contemporary situation in Australia, and what our rights are regarding the loss of loved ones. It also tells us what we on the north coast of New South Wales already know: that the face of death and dying, and funerals has changed and is continuing to evolve. It is happening everywhere, but Byron Bay leads the way, not just the counter culture, but more and more people from all walks of life.

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Byron Bay has always been a great place to live, and now it has also become a great place to die. As a member of the alternative culture that has set up home here since the 60s, I have been busy helping people to reclaim death and its attendant rites of passage. Having opted out of the mainstream, and created our own lifestyle, we have also created our own “deathstyle”.

For nearly 20 years, it’s been my role to help people become more aware of what their options are, and guide them so they can have a more meaningful and appropriate experience through their own journey, or that of a loved one. For many years I did this as a maverick, alone, shaking up the status quo of the old vanguard, who had a comfortable monopoly and were reluctant to change. As the years have gone on, and consumer demand here has become more exciting, many of the firms have changed and opened to a more open and inclusive approach.

Now in Byron Bay a not-for-profit organisation exists called the Natural Death Centre (NDC). The NDC is an organisation that is actively involved with assisting people through the death, dying, and the disposal process. It is a part of the growing global wave of individuals and organisations which are committed to demystifying and reclaiming the three D’s: death, dying, and disposal.

Those who belong to the NDC feel that by opening up dialogue, and embracing death and dying as a natural part of our lives, we can make the entire death process become a less traumatic and a more beneficial journey for all those involved. Providing an easier journey into the stages of loss and grief that follow. Death done well makes for a healthier community all round.

Pioneering approaches for those who want to be more involved and participate in a more meaningful “way to go”, the NDC has been created from a generation that doesn’t just want to hand it all over to a guy in a black suit, and turn up three days later to a box, with flowers on it, in a chapel somewhere. Individuals, families and communities now expect and create some wonderful celebrations in the form of life ceremonies. Having had the experience of a good funeral, or even a great one, there is no going back to a regular old style funeral.

Some of our aims are, to encourage participation in an holistic death process through: wellness, illness, dying, death, post death, funeral, body disposal, and bereavement. This is done with preparation and dialogue on death and dying as a natural part of our life cycle, for a conscious and compassionate experience.

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There is provision for an holistic approach to death and dying through education, options, considerations, assistance or referral. It is teamed with environmentally responsible and sustainable methods of body disposal - including the establishment of natural burial grounds. Embracing life and death are activities we should fully engage in.

If you follow a traditional faith, then the method of disposal for the body will be prescribed and you will simply follow that without too much question or deviation. But more and more, we are wanting to personalise the moment as a way of really honouring someone we have loved and lost. We want to have a say in what happens.  Many faiths are opening to the changing times, some are not, and are even clamping down and attempting to make the experience less personal.

We are waking up to the fact that a good funeral really honours the person that we love, and that it’s not about how much you spend. It’s about participation, in the planning, creation and the ceremony itself. A good funeral also helps with the grieving process, as there is a sense of satisfaction, and a feeling of “getting it right”, without being left with the feeling that it didn’t reflect who the loved one really was in life.

Imagine how it might be, if someone helped you slow down the experience, especially if you have been nursing a loved one for months at home prior to their death. If someone explained to you in advance that there is no need to pick up the phone immediately to call the funeral director (if they do, they will come and remove the body, as they are bound by law to do) and instead you sit down, or make a cup of tea, then you can just sit with the body for as long as you want, taking time to accept what has happened at last, and to see that they are released from their suffering. This may even mean overnight; time is a great healer, and a few hours can change that experience into something much more gentle. Being with a dead body can be a life changing experience.

Even if people die suddenly or in hospital, it is possible to bring their body home for a vigil, to sit with it, and just be together before it disappears into smoke or into the earth. Most people find this time beneficial, even if they were a little scared or reluctant at first. With a little encouragement or assistance, they approach the body in their own time, and I have seen amazing changes happen. You can spend some time talking to it, and you get to see clearly that the spirit is gone.

Talking to the body or to their spirit offers us a sense of communication and comfort that assists us to feel better and more at ease. You can say goodbye, wish them well, cry, laugh, and feel. When you are ready you can make the call - it may be hours later, it maybe in the morning or the evening - when you feel ready to let the body go. A few hours at this time, may make a massive difference to how you handle your sense of loss.

From there we usually create a ceremony of some sort, and decide on a method of disposal. You can build a coffin; it has to meet certain simple requirements - but if you can build a bookshelf, you can build a coffin. (It’s all about weight dispersal.)

Many people are using cardboard coffins now which have been available in Europe and Asia for many years, and do the job perfectly. But the best and most environmentally friendly way to go is in a cloth shroud, like we see for a burial at sea. More people are moving towards this option within a natural burial ground where you can bury the body in a simple shroud or cardboard coffin, no plastic lining, with a tree planted on top. The body can disintegrate quicker back into the earth, and the roots of the tree can absorb and utilize the nutrients from the body, and transform that into nourishment for the planet, and the fauna. Who wouldn’t want to become a beautiful plant or tree, just like our cats and dogs we bury in our gardens?

With this option you can decorate the coffin or shroud on the inside as well as the outside. Children, and also adults, can draw, paste or write on it. No matter the age of the child, they can always contribute a handprint, just like an artistically challenged adult. Often people will decorate the coffin with their grandchildren so that it becomes familiar to them and opens up an opportunity for dialogue during the decorating.

You can drive the body to the ceremony in your own vehicle, an old combi, a utility, or a station wagon. You can have the ceremony in your garden surrounded by flowers and trees that you or they may have spent the last years tending. You can be in a local park, or in a community hall. There are no blanket restrictions that say you have to be in a chapel or a cemetery. Pick somewhere suitable, relevant, somewhere familiar, somewhere with memories, or just somewhere beautiful.

If you don’t want to have a burial you could opt for cremation. Although many people are now opposed to cremation as it is a toxic environmental action, and cremation is more final as then there is not even a body or a bone left. It also doesn’t take any space, and doesn’t need tending like a grave.

a pioneer in this field in Australia, it is my experience that taking a more natural and accepting approach offers a fuller experience; for the person themselves, and those that care for them, and have travelled on their journey with them.

Dying can be likened to being on a bus travelling a dangerous mountain pass, with sheer drops off the side, on a narrow winding road, with an unknown driver. The destination is written on the front, but is new and unexplored. Other visitors have not come back to share how it is, and there are a million opinions about what lies ahead. The view could be magnificent, breathtaking even, with opportunities, for depth of feeling, for personal insights, for growth, but some people are afraid to even believe they are on the bus, or afraid to open their eyes or their hearts to see or feel the experience.

When it comes to death, do something creative and beneficial for your friends and family, open up a dialogue, tell each other how you feel, what you would want if you were to die suddenly, plan your own funeral. Contemplate your own death. Have fun with it while you can. Any ideas you give to your friends will help them to give you what you want; this is a great gift to everyone, and you can go out in the style you want.

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About the Author

Zenith Virago, is the President of the Natural Death Centre, she is a consultant, Celebrant, and Guide. She has co-authored a book, The Intimacy of Death and Dying, which will be published by Allen and Unwin in July 2009. She is often invited to speak on ABC radio or other media on related topics, and is passionate about Byron Bay; where she calls home.

Related Links
Natural Death Centre
Zenith Virago

Creative Commons LicenseThis work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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