Men and their mothers

Don’t eat too much salt when you’re young; I don’t like those people, they’re anti-Catholic; don’t speak to strange men.

Any man worth his salt wants to be independent of his parents. No man wants to be called a “mummy’s boy”. I remember watching open-mouthed at the new TV in the 1950s as the exuberant Polish-American pianist Liberace sat at his chandelier-covered piano and dedicated pieces he played “to my mother”, sentimentality dripping from every word. Of course the word gay didn’t mean much in those days, but there were always those unfinished sentences: “He’s a bit - you know ...”

The adult man exists in a relationship with his mother that can’t be resolved. Mum wants someone who still comes back to her and needs her. But a man, to be a man, needs to be independent of his parents, unless he is going to be one of those tragic 40 and 50-year-olds who still lives with mum. There is much uncertainty and dissatisfaction in the son with such a difficult relationship. It seems common for mothers to find fault with the daughter-in-law’s cooking or cleaning or child-raising. Mum did all of that. Many were the arguments we had about eating beans or drinking too much water or some such.

But almost every man does love his mum. When men are in trouble, mum can come and help. In my case I’d bought a new house and everything broke when I touched it. Mum came good with a loan for a new hot water heater. I blessed her every morning when I got a hot shower.

The world of masculinity is a hard one in many ways: acting tough; doing what the boss says; and these days we would have to add - staying sexy. And looking acceptably handsome, or even waxing one’s chest (ouch!). I have heard men quietly ask their partner “does my bum look too big in these pants?”

A man’s life is packed with difficulties and stress and keeping it all going. And then he calls in to see mum and there is the familiar voice, the smile and a kiss. Mum usually loves her handsome son. Handsome to her, anyway. I have seen criminals on TV with a Mum watching them in court, loyal to the end.

As we mature, we must face up to taking full charge of our lives. And this means making ourselves the judge of our own lives, not anybody else. James Hollis writes:

… one must, amid the disappointment and desolation, begin to take on the responsibility for one’s own satisfaction. There is no one out there to save us, to take care of us, to heal the hurt. But there is a very fine person within, one we barely know, ready and willing to be our constant companion. Only when one has acknowledged the deflation of the hopes and expectations of childhood and accepted direct responsibility for finding meaning for oneself, can the second adulthood begin.

Sometimes I feel caught between my parents’ voices - do this, do that, work hard, make something of yourself - and that of my kids. So often when I say something I get “Oh God Dad it’s not the Dark Ages any more. Things are different these days.”

Men learn to be intimate from the people who share intimacy with them for the first time. In almost all cases, this is their mothers. For these reasons, says Stephanie Dowrick, a man’s connexion to his mother is very important for his later experience of intimacy.

Men and intimacy would be a whole new subject - but I am not the first person to suggest that many of us males are wary of intimacy. We share our secrets and then someone laughs at us. It makes us much more careful next time. We make a false move or reach a hand out, and we are accused of being insensitive or demanding sex. This is not to say I approve of wife-bashing or inappropriate touching …

Yet for many men, sharing intimacy can be a wonderful thing. We value so much the people who share intimate moments with us: an afternoon around a special DVD; time at the beach; a loving hug. We Wests are becoming a family of huggers and we seem to enjoy that.

Some special moments for me recently were sharing with my grandson a blue-tongue lizard we found in his dad’s backyard! Plus watching my son play in a band and watching my daughters get married.

We hear so much about the early years. Only this month the Rudd Government has announced it will increase funding and improve services for the early years of life. Mothers - and fathers too! - must be given help and encouragement. And yet there is much in our lives to reflect on and improve. Men and their mothers are one part that needs more careful thought and understanding if we are ever to make better men and a better Australia.