The surrogate votergate

“Yep.” That’s all he said. “Yep.”

“This sounds terribly illegal.”

“Are you crazy?” he asked. “It’s done all the time. Every politician has his or her price. Check with the K Street lobbyists. They’ll tell you the going rate.” I was about to agree with him, when he nailed home yet another truth. “In Chicago, dead people often voted. I think there’s some kind of secret sauce in the embalming fluid that allows it.”

“That’s Chicago,” I said, “the cold winds damage brains, but what’s it have to do with Pennsylvania?”

“For decades, Philadelphia ward bosses rounded up drunks, deadbeats, and just about anyone who needed a few extra bucks. They went into the voting booths with them, and then paid them five bucks for the - how shall I say this? - the right vote.”

“I believe all that ended with a few legal challenges,” I said.

“Precedent,” Marshbaum said. “If there’s anything legal about it, then whatever happened before is what happens next. Didn’t you learn anything in Journalism School?

“Even if buying votes is legal, it’s still unethical and immoral.”

“How dare you accuse me of that!” he said, a fake tear coming through his outrage. “Other politicians may take the money and double-cross their customers. I deliver what I say I deliver.”

“Even if this is all legal and ethical - which I doubt - doesn’t this subvert the democratic process?”

“As if lobbyists, backroom deals, and a billion dollars for TV ad campaigns don’t?”

I was about to respond, but three TV camera crews shoved me and two homeless and uninsured combat veterans aside to get Marshbaum’s story. Between the microphones, Marshbaum looked at me. He knew - and he knew that I knew - that his story would make network news, and gather even more income for the Marshbaum Fund for Disingenuous Politicians, Press, and People.