The voices of experience: some hows, whys and whens of 50:50 shared care

Among the parents who have 50:50 arrangements, the week-about arrangement was the most common. And a common theme among all participants was the strong desire for guidance from information or services to help ensure a shared-care arrangement was suitable for their particular circumstances, and to help develop a schedule that would fit those circumstances.

For instance, Kathy was happy to try a 50:50 care arrangement but was keen to have some information about how to set up a schedule. She pressed a Family Court mediator but to no avail.

It was an answer like "You have to work it out. You're an individual group and you need to do it." Which made it really difficult because then it looked like I was dictating terms to which he [her former spouse] repelled straight away.

Mothers and fathers appeared to have different motives in choosing shared parenting. For example, for many of the fathers, their own rights as parents appear to have been a key motivating factor for 50:50 care. By contrast, mothers appeared to be more child-focussed and were also motivated by the rights of the both the child and the father to continue their relationship. But that is not to say that fathers do not become child-focused as they become embedded in their children's lives.

One of the most conspicuous features of the 50:50 parents was that all were in paid employment. In the case of fathers, all had some degree of flexibility in their work hours. Several had even chosen to work a four-day week or less; several had also changed jobs (or stayed in jobs) to give them this flexibility. All of the fathers appeared to have framed their work patterns to care for their children. Mothers, on the other hand, found that paid employment gave them the ability to make choices for themselves and their children.

Both mothers and fathers who opt for shared care generally appear to be in a position financially to make choices about their work-family balance. Fathers who spend equal time with their children need access to family-friendly work patterns.

A defining feature of the fathers with shared care was the way in which they viewed contact. In asking them about the sorts of things that they did with their children, and if any aspects of contact (e.g. quantity, quality, predictability, flexibility) were more important than others, fathers spoke of how time gave them a chance to do simple things with children - quality things. Nigel expressed many of the fathers' thoughts on this issue: "What do I do with the kids? I'd say: I'm around them."

Shared parenting involving a 50:50 split is probably the most logistically complex parenting arrangement possible. It can place huge demands on children and parents. The complexity of shared care became abundantly clear during one interchange between two fathers, Rod and Nigel.

Rod: "We see each other all the time. Clothes? … I'm forever driving here and dropping off school clothes there …"

Nigel: "We have three sets of everything: one in each household and one set lost somewhere in-between. And it's kind of true that stuff gravitates one way and you've got to say: 'Hey! I'm out of this' or 'Where are all my towels?'"

Rod: "Or you do a big wash and say 'I've got everything!'"

Nigel: 'That really depends in my case on reasonable relations with my ex-wife. Reasonable relations make so much possible."