Give it up for confusion

There’s a lot of language today that confuses me. For example, does anyone know why certain people try to get someone’s attention by shouting out, “Yo!” And if that doesn’t work, they become redundant and shout out “Yo Yo!” That could be very confusing if you work for Duncan Toys or are a classic cellist.

In today’s language, everyone is a "brother" or, if they need to save their voice, “Bro”, as in, “yo, Bro!” When not being siblings, they’re “Dudes”, as in “Hey, Dude”, not to be confused with “Hey, Jude,” a greeting reserved for circumcised Jews.

I also don’t know, like y’know, what I should, well, like y’know know. From pre-pubescent teens and Hollywood celebrities to, like, other people, it seems that every other word is like, well, y’know. What is it I’m supposed to know, and why should I like it? Y’know wha’ I’m saying?

Does anyone know what the “total package” means? How should I wrap a total package? Is it cheaper to send it to a business than a residence? And if it’s a supersize package, is it like, y’know, totally awesome?

Hollywood, whether represented by TV reality series or a variety show at the local Elks, also confuses me. "Emcees" are enamored with constantly telling us to “Give it up for … (insert name)” I have no idea what “it” is. What am I supposed to be giving up? And why should I give it up? Is giving up an “it” tax deductible as a charity expense? Why is it beneficial for the talent to get my “it”?

Before someone gets my “it”, do they need to first get approval from an insurance clerk in a windowless office half a continent away? Will they, or me, get fully reimbursed for the “it”? Or does “it” carry a large deductible? If I don’t have an “it”, can I buy it somewhere so I can give it up? Should I make sure that I buy only union-made “its”? Does Wal-Mart sell cheaper non-union “its” made in China? Do the more upscale stores buy their “its” from India?

During the 1920s, movie star sex goddess Clara Bow was known as the “It Girl”. Do my hosts want me to give up sex? Or do they want me to indulge in sex with whomever they’re introducing, whether singer, dancer, or malleable gymnast?

When not telling us to give it up, emcees ask us to “put your hands together for … (insert name)”. But, they never tell us how long we should put our hands together? A couple of seconds? A minute? Until the performance is over? And, just how am I supposed to put my hands together? Should I clasp my hands, with fingers interlocked over my head? Behind my neck? On my stomach?

If I’m only going to be half-enamored by an act, could I just grasp my left forearm with my right hand, and avoid putting both hands together? If I want the act to succeed, should I put my hands together as if praying? More important, if both my hands are together, how can I give “it” up at the same time?

President Bush confuses me. For instance, he tells us, “When the Iraqis stand up, we’ll stand down.” That’s just not right. If someone is standing, shouldn’t we also be standing? That just seems like common courtesy. And if everyone else is sitting, can’t we sit, especially if we’ve been standing so long that we’re getting not just knee and back pains but a pain in our ass? Maybe the president wants us to act like car cylinders that fire in alternating order, and he can play Whack-a-Mole.

President Bush has also told us innumerable times we must “stay the course”. Just what course is it we’re staying. Is it a course in futility and self-destruction? Is it one in propaganda or a how-to course on the subject of rewarding friends with no-bid million dollar contracts?

Maybe it’s a course in how much stress we can subject teenagers to before they become body parts. He’s never explained that clearly. Also, I’m confused by who’s teaching this course. Is it the Mongol invaders? Machiavelli, Stalin, or Cheney? I doubt it’s being taught by Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr.

When President Bush enters a room, a disembodied voice tells us, “Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States”. Everyone sitting then stands up; those who are already standing can continue standing, stand down, or levitate. Perhaps that voice should introduce Mr Bush with what’s more acceptable -“Yo, Dudes and Dudettes, like y’know, put your hands together and give it up for the total package, my Main Man, the Prez!” We could then stand up and give it up, as we have done for six years. Ya know wha’ I’m saying?