Stepfamilies have special needs

Many stepparents support their stepchildren in a variety of ways, including financially, taking them to school, picking them up, helping with homework, attending special school events, taking them to football training, or dance practice and other activities.

One of the most common complaints is they feel as though they are inherently important to both the child and the family but their status as a “step” parent means they are not recognised as such. They believe they should have a say in court decisions that will impact on their own lifestyle and relationship: especially when decisions place an additional burden on themselves, their stepfamily and their own biological children.

Stepparents who have their own biological children (many to their new partner) have the perception that their own children are not considered. They feel that these children are hidden in the process as the decisions made are in the “best interests” of the child(ren) of the first relationship, currently being litigated.

While this may appear logical, these stepparents believe that it was equally logical to make sure that no other children would be disadvantaged by decisions made about the children from the first relationship.

Stepparents believe this creates a feeling of “us” and “them”. This has negative consequences for stepfamily unity as it is divisive in nature and can produce feelings of rejection, jealousy and exclusion, thereby damaging the spousal relationship and the stepparent-stepchild relationship.

Stepfamilies thrive on the success of integration and wholeness, not one parent and children versus another parent and children. Many report trying to find a balance so that all family members’ needs are meet psychologically, physically and financially. Financial obligations to children also prove one of the most distressing areas for stepfamilies. Issues and conflicts with the Child Support Agency feature prominently.

Whereas the Family Court supports a child’s a right to a relationship with both parents, the Child Support Agency promotes parents having a financial obligation to a child post-separation. Much debate has surrounded the effect of deadbeat dads eluding child support or single mothers taking advantage of the system.

Both arguments have their supporters and detractors; however, the effect of child support on second and stepfamilies has largely been overlooked or ignored. The recent inquiries into child custody and child support afforded second families only a couple of paragraphs and many feel it did not adequately consider the implications of the financial difficulties experienced by these family types.

Many stepfamilies have what is termed as a “maintenance in-maintenance out” economy. That is a parent (usually the father) may be paying money to his ex-partner who has repartnered - then the man in the new stepfamily is paying child support to children not residing with him but in another family.

This pattern may continue across many families. Sometimes this equalises, the money matches that coming in and that going out. Many times it does not. Because child support is based on gross wage and not the actual cost of raising children, it will depend on the paying parent’s capacity to earn. However this “in-out” economy is not the only form.

Some people, with little knowledge of stepfamilies, can be unsympathetic to financial dilemmas. Consider this scenario: a single woman meets a man who has commitments to children from a previous relationship. They meet, fall in love; they are both working and child support really is not much of a consideration. The woman is earning and making up for any income deficit. The pair continue until they decide they want children together. Some might say that they should not.

IF the man cannot afford for his new wife to stay home from work, IF he cannot support the children from his first relationship, the children from his second relationship and his partner, then they should not have children. Yet there is the political viewpoint that society should encourage more children as the country needs more youth to counterbalance its ageing population. However, perhaps more importantly, should society discriminate against a second partner?