For the love ...

The first big hurdle came when Jan and I entered into new relationships. Seeing their mother and father with someone else took a lot of acceptance by the kids. But, actually, it was more of a challenge for our new partners. They had to accept that we were each of us putting our family before them.

For one of the new partners this was almost a relationship breaker. But our reasoning was this: we are only hands-on parents for a short while, and this job had to be done as well as could be, and never more so if there has been a divorce. If forced to a choice between the new partner and the family - in terms of time, residence, financial priorities, and so on - the family wins. Soon enough, we reasoned with our respective new partners, the children will be leaving home - literally or in effect - and then we would be free to relocate and reprioritise. As it happens, our respective partners were themselves divorcees with children, and one of them has built bridges with the ex, following our example, to the benefit of all.

In practice, Jan spends three to four nights with her partner at his place, and the rest at home, and I do the reverse. Within this, Sundays especially are family days and all five of us spend the afternoon together, often going to a movie, and then spend the evening together, watching Australian Idol or whatever. Saturday sports is also a sacred family affair and just last Sunday saw all five of us heading off together to watch our daughter’s soccer grand final.

Another hurdle was the annual Christmas holiday. The collaboration Jan and I share does not extend to any desire to take holidays together! And it is collaboration first, with a friendship built around that, more than a communion between us. We spend Christmas Day as a family, of course, but each of us goes on holidays with our respective partners. So, what about the children? Each Christmas has been different, but basically they end up with two “away” holidays each year, so they’re not complaining!

It all actually works very well. We have not had any “terrible teens” stuff. More positively, the three young people in the family are wonderful human beings (in our unbiased view!) with a profound sense of family, and of themselves as valued and valuable members of it, who are deeply loved by Mum and Dad, and each other.

Moreover, they have witnessed what we hope is a valuable experience in the management of conflict, and have gained a strong sense of their parents as both individuals and as a unit. Whether these things would have happened anyway - just because of who they are - or whether they too are invested in making the family work as much as their parents are, well, we will never know.

Every family is unique, every marriage is complex in its own way, every divorce has its own imperatives, and there is never a one-size-fits-all solution. But, for the sake of a phrase, throwing out the marriage baby and keeping the family bathwater is the second best decision Jan and I have made in our lives. The first, of course, was to have children and create a family.