Your child next?

I’ve recently been contacted by half a dozen radio programs wanting to talk to me about how parents can keep their children safe following the tragic death of Sofia Rodrigez-Urrutia-Shu in Perth.

I can only ask: are you really happy if I tell you how to protect your child - supposing even that I could - if instead of your loved one, it ends up being a child next door, down the road or in the next city?

The Perth killing was random. This time it wasn’t your child, it was someone else’s. You can shadow your child’s every move, but if you take your eyes of him or her for a second, will your child be next?

We need to stop thinking of how we can protect our child, and start thinking about what we can do to protect every child. The only effective way we can truly protect our own child is by making sure, as a community, we do everything we can to keep all children safe.

And what is that?

Men who kill and molest children don’t suddenly wake up one day and decide to offend. Usually there’s a history, a story, the beginning of such behaviour: most often rooted in family dysfunction, that puts them in the line of sight of “the system” long before any serious damage to another occurs.

This is where we need to be directing resources: to stopping this problem at the source, with offenders themselves.

When my first book about my own abuse was published, In Moral Danger, I received an email from a psychologist who was treating a ten-year-old Aboriginal boy who had been fed cask wine and buggered from the age of four to six. There was only enough funding for three months of treatment.

“This boy has so much anger I know he won’t get the help he needs until he murders someone at 15. If it’s not murder, it will be something equally horrific. He has all the signs,” the therapist wrote.

Last week I received an email from a convicted child sex offender. He’s 42 now. When he first realised he had a predilection for children, in his early 20s, he said if there had been any way he could have sought treatment without risking jail, he would have.

But there wasn’t then and still isn’t. Three ruined lives later, having been convicted last year, he’s now receiving treatment. The gestation of these crimes was long. Very long.

Unfortunately, in this country, treatment is generally only available after a crime has been committed. In poor Sofia’s case, it is too late. But really, in all cases, this is too late.

Child sexual abuse that doesn’t involve a tragic murder takes lives in another way. A slow, painful way. I know. It happened to me.

I know about the mental illness than can develop, the (sometimes lifelong) depression, the suicide attempts (I had four), the low self-esteem, the shame and confusion, the sleeping with any man who wants you because you think that’s normal, the dysfunctional relationship choices.

There’s a lot we can do to help offenders not offend. In other countries, such as the US, UK and New Zealand, there are community-based treatment programs, 24-hour helplines, adolescent offender programs, and programs which help teachers identify early sexualisation in children which can point to abuse and or inappropriate sexual behaviour in children.

On my website I have a ten-point plan to Stamp Out Child Sexual Abuse (SOCSA). All of them start with education. Until we begin implementing some of these strategies, this scourge on our society will continue.

It’s no coincidence that in the UK where it’s possible for an offender to get help without going to jail, the number of actual offenders who call their 24-hour helpline (as opposed to family members) is 40 per cent. In the US, where therapists and helpline operators must notify police, the number is significantly lower.

I think therapists treating child sex offenders should be exempt from mandatory reporting.

It’s a tough call, but think about it. The offending is happening anyway. Would we prefer the perpetrator continue the abuse in secret without help, or with it with the possibility of stopping?

There is a wide spectrum of abusers. Some justify their behaviour, are in denial about its damage to children and are pure evil. Others despise themselves, are tortured people with horrific childhoods themselves, who want desperately to stop. The man I mentioned above had a suicide attempt even before he was arrested. Three more followed. His own self-loathing would make ours for him pale by comparison. Here is his email to me:

I knew I had a problem with sexual attraction to young girls for about ten years prior to actually offending. For me there were three victims, but to be honest I had thoughts of others.

I did not seek help primarily because I was afraid of being "outed" as a pedophile and thus being subjected to violent community retaliation - a kind of community terrorism - physical or otherwise by vigilantes who would seemingly want to rid society of "scum" like me. Fortunately, to date I have avoided this.

I did not seek help from family for fear of shame and abandonment. Ultimately this is exactly what happened with … my Melbourne-based family.

I did not seek professional help for fear that I would be deemed a helpless case and immediately reported to the authorities. I thought this would result in my arrest and a judgment and that I would be best dealt with by incarceration, or committal to an institution for the criminally insane. I know differently now, although ultimately I was subjected to arrest, charging and sentencing.

If I felt I had some form of community support at least from professionals, and could have been referred to the correct services, maybe I never would have offended. But I honestly felt there was nowhere to turn, and I lacked the courage to act to address my wayward feelings as a result. It's kind of funny that my worse fears were actually realised because I did not reveal my problems.

Even now, I still feel the community's "knee jerk" reaction to child sex offenders. After I was charged, I was bailed and went back to New South Wales to live. I immediately had the support of my mother, brothers, sister-in-law, and some close friends on a daily basis. This support enabled me to straight away start counselling from an ex-forensic psychologist who had vast experience in working with child sex offenders.

I initiated my own treatment. So I was making considerable in-roads into getting my life back on track, a kind of "rebirth". I returned to Victoria 12 months later, in December 2005, just for sentencing. I was spared jail and given a community-based order. I was advised that upon completing it, I could return to NSW - home, the best place for my ongoing rehabilitation.

However, to date, this has been a no go. The authorities in NSW have rejected my application for return. I am a convicted child sex offender and NSW will not accept such persons whilst they are serving a sentence. My community based order lasts until December 2007 even though I have completed the number of hours I was given.

This means that I must remain in Victoria until then - the same location as those I have offended against - and where I have no family or friends who will have anything to do with me: and away from my professional help. Well, all of that makes sense, doesn't it?

I’ve had four suicide attempts, one before my arrest and three since. With the treatment I’ve received I know I won’t offend against children again. I can’t say I’m as confident about not accessing child porn again. I still feel the desire but loathe myself for it and so far have successfully fought it. If I was near my therapist, I know he would help in this regard.

I have a solicitor friend in Sydney who is fighting to get me back there. So far it has been about four months with no word from the NSW Government. Meanwhile, I live in a state of limbo - or purgatory depending on what kind of day I am having.

I don’t expect sympathy from anyone after what I’ve done. But just from a practical point of view, if you want society to be protected from people like me, making it easier for us to get the treatment we need to stop offending, makes sense.

By directing resources to those offenders, potential or actual, who want help, we can save thousands of children from lifelong damage.

Until we start creating conditions that will help keep all our children safe, all it takes is a moment of inattention for all your efforts and vigilance in protecting your children to come to naught.

Child sex offences, largely, are preventable crimes waiting to happen.