2006: The year of living predictably

I predict that a certain editor of a certain magazine who asked me to write stuff for him will respond to my emails and later send me the money he owes me.

I predict that Apple will launch a new product called iIdiot on November 10. The project will begin with Mark Steyn. Instead of having to merely read him taking himself incredibly seriously, devoted fans will be able to have him appear in their lounge rooms in person and perform his “think” pieces as interpretative dance.

I predict that Apple will then plan to launch an Australian version of iIdiot in early 2007 but it will be delayed three months. And then another three months and then another three months. It will then be shelved forever as developers realise that downloading even a virtual Piers Ackerman would require a hard-drive the size of the sun.

I predict the Howard Government will finally back a Bill of Rights for Australia. It will have only one provision: You have the right to remain silent.

I predict the number of writers at Larvatus Prodeo will exceed the number of readers on June 4.

I predict that Michael Leunig will one day soon turn his valuable powers of perception on himself.

I predict that the next big hit diet book will be called Fat Women Don't Get French.

I predict God will appear on BBC World News and finally prove to the faithful that he doesn't exist.

I predict that the President and/or key members of the Republican Party will openly break the law or abuse the constitution. (Um, not exactly a big call, Tim, given things like this.) Okay, then: I predict that the President and or key members of the Republican Party will openly break the law or abuse the constitution AND a conservative somewhere will care and will say so. (Now that's a big call.)

I predict that Kim Beazley will say something that will fit the following four criteria: Not a regurgitation of something the Coalition has already done; politically important; coherent; extremely popular with the electorate.

I predict that within 24 hours he will retract it under pressure from the NSW Right.

I predict Mark Latham will release a new book on parenting called F*** Kids are Stupid. "It's a third way of child-rearing between never having children ever and allowing children to be raised by wolves," he will be heard to say.

I predict On Line Opinion will never ask me to predict anything ever again.