‘Nearer my God to thee’: What happens to men midlife?

Ken, 39, works at a university and lives near Wollongong. He is trying to form a relationship, but is finding it difficult because women seem to want so much from him:

Women are always talking about their biological clock. Well, I feel my biological clock ticking as well. The women I’m attracted to seem complicated. They have an image of what they want. Someone entertaining, someone to make their life wonderful. I find it hard to meet women who see the world rationally. I’ve had two relationships recently. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but I won’t change myself to suit someone else. You have to compromise to be in a relationship, but I am who I am.

The straight men surveyed commonly have this tension between pleasing the women they meet and trying to be themselves. Alfredo is unusual in saying, “I’m a man, and this is what I am - deal with it!” Other men struggle to be themselves at a time when there is tension and anxiety around gender roles and doing the right thing for women.

Gay men have their own difficulties. They are particularly vulnerable to midlife changes. They look in the mirror and see the receding hairline and expanding waist, but they live in a community which values youth and beauty. Dave, a 42-year-old gay man from Surry Hills in Sydney, comments:

The best thing about getting older is a broader perspective on life, maybe more wisdom. I have a greater ability to “read” people and situations. The worst thing is I’m less physically able to maintain the same energy levels.

So what should men do to be happy in midlife? Dave says:

To stay healthy a man has to stay fit, maintain an exercise regime. Try to keep the creative side of one’s personality active. And take time out from work every now and then to focus on something different.

For Alfredo, being happy means being immersed in his family:

I have my daughter, I like her. And the boys - they’re fun to play with at 11, 6 and 3. I’m a mentor to them, I protect them, be there as they experience life. I’m there when they have sudden insights. It reminds me of when I was a boy. I love it, it fills me up. The worst part is that nature may incline them to take risks. I’m afraid of losing them, they’ll be sick or injured, or be hurt by friends. You feel all they feel, good and bad, and you can’t control that hurt.

Am I happy? Shit! Generally I am. I’m happy at the weekend when we have a cuppa together. I ‘m happy alone: I stay up late by myself and watch the late news. I attack the fridge. I like to take the dog for a walk alone. If I could make more time to be with the kids I’d be happier. If I had my life again I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d do it all again.

So how can men be happy in midlife? Men can be happy either in a relationship or alone, but we do need friends and loved ones to feel fulfilled. My kids help me laugh at myself! It’s important to keep active as much as we can. If we keep exercising, if we stretch our muscles and moderate what we do, if we can balance work, play and family, midlife can be the best time of our lives.