Regulation made easy is no joke!

• A key-ring with a logo on a metal plate with more metal than a 50 cent piece.
• my clunky Holden key with metal at one end and security electronics at the other.
• My house key.

When I complain to security officers they tell me the detectors are set to the regulated standard.

One official told me with lordly disdain that the machines detect the kind of metal used and terrorists don’t use that kind of metal. Terrorists may train in cells for months, but they’ll never figure out how to make weapons from the lightweight metal used in my house-key.

I wrote to Minister Anderson’s department asking what was the point of security screening that would allow someone on a plane with box-cutters (the weapon with which September 11 was perpetrated).

The official who drafted the reply was up to the task, writing, “The Government has set national, industry-wide standards … based on international criteria. … [M]etal detectors must be calibrated for each installed location to ensure that set standards for metal detection are achieved. Screening authorities are required to test and document equipment calibration regularly and the Department of Transport and Regional Services audits compliance with these standards.”

Two more paragraphs of similarly exquisite vacuity followed and then a big thank-you for bringing the matter to the Minister’s attention. It’s a joke.

Government regulation may not stop terrorists getting onto our planes, but it sure is reassuring to know that it can stop anyone joking about it.

Well anyone except the regulators that is.