If we can have pre-nuptial agreements, then why not pre-parental?

To do this we need to disengage, at least for a moment, from the emotion, ideology, tradition, myths and fantasies that surround the concept of “family”. From such an uncluttered (if unromantic) perspective, embarking into parenting as a couple without contemplating what we might do if our relationship cannot withstand the pressures of contemporary life, is like taking a small ship into the sea without checking the weather or wearing life jackets. While a wide-eyed faith in our ability to weather all storms might be admirable for its optimism, it is naively foolish from a survival standpoint. To do the same with children on board would, and should, be considered extremely negligent.

The emotion-charged, often irrational, turbulence during relationship breakdown works against well-considered parenting decisions in the best interests of the child. Yet this is exactly what we do now. The right time is much earlier, when a couple makes decisions about how they will manage their parenting together. And this is the point. Equal-time parenting is not how the vast majority of Australian couples operate. Generally, one parent, usually the mother, takes on a higher burden of unpaid caring work within the family. More than three quarters of Australian mothers with dependent children are either not in the labour market at all, or work part-time, giving top priority to their nurturing role. The costs, opportunity costs and sacrifices made by the parent who takes on the major caring role needs to be considered in the event of family breakdown. These costs do not disappear after separation; in fact, they are amplified.

So, perhaps what we need is a parenting agreement or contract; one that lays out the best parenting arrangements for our children both within and, even more crucially, without the couple relationship. Or perhaps we need an entirely different approach.

What is certain is that we need, as individuals and as a society, to start thinking and talking about how we manage to remain parents together regardless of the state of our partnering relationships. It is children who must live the parenting decisions that their parents or the courts make. Their voices seem be missing in much of the current emotion-charged discussion around parenting after the end of partnering.