The things we learn in The Guardian

Reading The Guardian ennobles me. It shines light on matters of which I do not know that I am ignorant. 

Most recently, I admired Dr Evan Goldstein’s candour when reading his article ‘Butt seriously: why you might be pooping wrong – and what to do about it’. He comes right out and says it: “I work with assholes. Usually they’re attached to nice people seeking help for a host of common issues causing them pain or embarrassment”. His forthrightness has emboldened me to explore assholes (without blushing). 

Where I come from issues surrounding assholes are carefully avoided due to, not Victorian-era disgust, but rather a counter-cultural pretension to have transcended them: “Aren’t you over the Freudian Anal Stage?” is a question I’m asked, frequently. The problem with my milieu’s boast to have ‘gotten over anality’ is that it studiously avoids talking about assholes unless a newborn is in the room. When I tell my people that their so-called transcendence is a ruse to conceal a primal abashment, they reply, with pompous humility, that “sometimes hypocrisy is the best we can do". I think, on this matter, hypocrisy is the best they always do. 

Weasel words and hypocrisy will not suffice for Dr Evan Goldstein, or his guileless exploration of the asshole’s physiology and functions. He has both passion and compassion for the subject, and his book is filled with excellent advice about how to properly care for it, which is something many of us have been doing wrong, even celebrities. 

Sarah Silverman, in her 2023 special ‘Someone You Love’, says she’s compelled to wipe her asshole so thoroughly that she’s not satisfied until she draws blood. Dr Goldstein strongly advises us against this approach, and he recommends patting your anus; no, not like you would a dachshund or border collie. He contends that gentle dabbing prevents “damage from over-wiping with rough toilet paper”, which is what Silverman is getting so painfully wrong. Folks such as she should read Goldstein’s book because, as he notes, “no one feels happy, healthy or beautiful if their ass isn’t happy … ”. On reading that, my heart went out to Sarah’s asshole.

Did your “whole house rejoice” after you defecated when a child? Goldstein says many Western households do so, but I cannot recall this ever happening for me. It was a humdrum affair as long as there was no threat of gastroenteritis, but I wish they had celebrated the event for the rosy health it signifies. It’s something to remember if you have children in your life. 

Another handy hint from Goldstein’s book arises out of a study that found “90% of participants said they strained less when using a stool and 71% said they had faster bowel movements”. No doubt there was a percentage of study participants who found it discomfiting to chat about why they keep a step-stool in the loo. It’s time they grew up.

Goldstein notes “there have been only a limited number of studies to investigate how effective toilet stools are . . . ”. Moreover, researchers have been relying on the self-reporting of study participants in lieu of more objective data. Funding is low, I presume, because peak research bodies are dissuaded from participating by hypercautious public relations firms. This has forced some researchers, good friends of mine, to employ outdated methods to take basic measurements, for example, lying under glass toilets.  

But this is my favourite Guardian/Goldstein tip: “practicing with anal dilators and toys can be extremely useful to someone who isn’t interested in exploring anal sex”. Thank you, Dr Goldstein! You’re the only person who's ever bothered to tell me that, as well as the fun fact that these devices “encourage deep breathing”. 

I’d like to remind people that assholes, shitting and flatulence are not low-brow preoccupations. Georges Bataille, one of the highest browed French intellectuals, was obsessed with shitting, and Roland Barthes devoted significant critical attention to ‘free-floating signifiers’. 

I have only one quibble about Dr Goldstein’s book. I detect a subtle brag in all his talk about anal health and beauty. To my mind, his expertise intimates he might possess one of the greatest assholes in New York City, which is saying something. If only The Guardian had ponied up and bought a photo, they would have satisfied my very justifiable curiosity. One thing I’m confident of is that Evan’s rectum is in better condition than Ms Silverman’s. 

The good doctor and I have a simple message for people such as Silverman, one that involves neither rough wiping nor gentle patting, and will salve a Western Civilisation anxious about its dirty underbelly: buy a bidet!