The modern perils of getting laid

One of the things that seems to have been irrevocably killed off in today's woke world, is the art of seduction.

Forget the theme songs of many Hollywood movies that entertained growing teenagers and their parents in the '50's and '60s such as Bing Crosby crooning to a wavering Doris Day, "Baby it's Cold Outside" or Doris returning mixed but encouraging messages in her "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps…" The implicit message then was, maybe. Convince me …

Things got a bit more heated by the '80s when AC/DC belted out "She Shook Me All Night Long" and Joe Cocker followed that up with the equally explicit "You Can Leave Your Hat On … (yes, yes, yes )…"

These days No means No, right? Well maybe not, if you're a Labor State Government seemingly keen to ignore the overwhelming "No bloody way" expressed by 61 percent of the voting population to a divisive The Voice referendum. No, they'll do it their way, anyway.

But back to the sexual connotations, today's young males could be thoroughly confused by the latest definition of rape which doesn't have to involve the word No, or even physical messages implying a Yes, especially when there is alcohol involved!

Be very careful or you could end up facing a court case in which the basic thrust is "he said/ she said." The judge then has to wade through a legal minefield or to use the latest trending term - an "omnishambles" to form a personal opinion of who told the biggest fibs.

Let's use a colloquial definition everyone outside the Bar can understand - a "shitstorm." Just because there was arguably no clearly expressed consent, or none that the judge would believe.

So having not come down in the latest April shower and having been around the block more than a few times, I thought I would offer some hopefully helpful advice for blokes on a boozy night out:

• If you are lucky enough to meet a girl/ woman who doesn't reject your initial pick-up line, let her buy her own drinks!
• If she agrees to go back to your place for a shot of whiskey or to listen to your vinyl collection (beats Spotify) don't pash her in public. Big Brother is watching.
• If you go back to your office rather than home because your girlfriend is there waiting, ask the security guard or the Uber driver to note her relative sobriety.
• If it's in the early hours of the morning, don't try to convince anyone that you only went there to complete some work project that's not due for several weeks.
• If you eventually get clear signals that she's now ready for sex, whip out your mobile phone and record her clearly stating, "Yes, go ahead, I'm yours, lover boy!" or words to that effect.
• If your phone is out of charge, whip out the statutory declaration form you should keep in your wallet for just such an occasion and get her to sign it with a big tick for Yes. Maybe the security guard could witness it. (If it's No, go take a cold shower).
• If she passes out naked on the couch, don't leave her there for the security guard to discover, hours later.
• Finally, if her recollection is hazy and for whatever reason you are accused of rape, and you have taken the above steps, you should be able to prove your innocence beyond "the realms of probability" . Don't sell your story to the media, they're dodgy as Hell, and if the trial is aborted or you're cleared, don't "go back in the lion's den to retrieve your hat". Or your wallet.

All of which makes me very glad I grew up back in the days when seduction was alive and well, woke just meant we were awake (not brain dead) LGBTIQ+ were just random letters, there were only two genders, and sex scandals with a web of lies on both sides never determined or influenced a Federal election. Gone forever.