Culture shock: Jarryd Hayne's adventures in America

And don't do what I did in a clothing store and reach into your pants (sorry, trousers) to pull out a kangaroo pouch. The store owner thought I had a weapon and was half-way to the floor. The Americans call that pouch a fanny bag, which sounds a tad rude to the Aussie ear.

Jarryd has come to play football. The team is called the 49ers.

The photo of Jarryd with some of the 49ers shows what he's up against. One, they are massive guys and Jarryd looks like the guy who carries the water bottles. There must be something in the water to make those guys so big, I reckon.

Two, most of the guys he wants to play with, are black. Some of the colloquial black phrases might be hard for a kid from Minto to follow. Luckily, footballers aren't required to say much past the occasional grunt.

Black Americans tell me it's handy having a white person walk with you; they can talk to the "po-leese" for you. Black guys walking by themselves are liable to be thrown to the ground and cuffed, as James Blake found. Best not walk anywhere if you can help it.

Gridiron is a complete circus to the Australian eye. There are no scrums and no tries, just touchdowns. The ball goes up and the guys run in all directions, like scalded chooks. Hopefully, Jarryd will be told what to do. American footballers usually are , as the game is managed from the sidelines.

Your team-buddies will tease you about Australia. "Put a shrimp on the barbie", "good onya, mite" and so on. Just smile that good-natured grin. Yeah, boys, Australians get regularly chewed up by sharks and crocodiles. Americans suffer from a bad education system and a media that tells them mostly about America. If you're lucky, they won't get confused between Australia and Austria. But friends visiting the USA say that Americans prefer Australians to lots of other people, such as Africans, pretty well any South Americans, most Europeans, a good deal of the Asians, Russians naturally, anyone with a thick accent, dark people generally, and anyone from the Middle East.

If stopped by a police officer when driving, don't reach for your licence. Keep your hands in full view until asked to get your licence or you will get shot. Always carry some money with you in case you get mugged (held up) by a crazy guy on the street.

Finally: don't drive on the wrong side of the road. In Australia the left side is the right side to drive on: the right side is the wrong side. You'll get used to the change.

Well, Jarryd, I suppose the money they throw at you will make these small problems worthwhile. One day you might earn as much as Eli Manning or Russell Wilson. The sums apparently paid to these gladiators just boggle the mind. Be nice to your team-mate Kaepernick - he could throw some expensive parties on the sums we read about. Not a bad life, Jarryd, for a kid who was raised by a single mother in a Housing Commission place in Minto in a poky part of Sydney.

All of this will have a flow-on effect. There will be many more boys in Australia sitting in class day-dreaming about all this and hoping to imitate young Jarryd. When you can dream of being such an international success, why bother learning anything at school?