Carnival

Most of the time, the car is set so low on its springs that there had better not be the tiniest of potholes or a careless pebble on the road. If the underchassis doesn't strike it first, then the low-slung, trumpeting, multi-barreled exhaust will.

Tyres are normally doughnut-tolerant, and mounted on gleaming rims. The car body may be a dull white or chalky strong past-colour with extensive futuristic speed-themed painted images, but these wheels positively sparkle.

It's decisive, no-holds-barred driving action which marks the driver as a member of the great mobile unwashed, racing into the drive-through at the fast food chain, or displaying decisive recrimination as he crosses double lines to pass a slowpoke sitting just under the speed limit.

No signals before lane change for him! If he does signal at all, it's merely to tell the world what he just did.

Unfortunately for him, his brake lights often work, which causes you to get an earlier-than-desired warning of incipient braking …right in front of you!

But the moves are not planned or careful – just one of a rapid dart from one lane to the next – a flick of the steering wheel (not strong enough to cause the Coke can to drop from the hand), a swift cut in, whether you're dangerously close or not! The highway equivalent of the kangaroo's leap.

Sometimes, if he's many cars behind you, he'll achieve all this at speed-limit plus forty.

To achieve a thoroughly predictable outcome from him, give a warning blast on your horn. His response will be immediate, not with altered behaviour, but with the finger. Sometimes, he'll even turn his head around to snarl at you, tailgating the vehicle in front of him.

This reactive behaviour is important. It's necessary that you understand that your presence on the road is totally subservient to his, so in future, try to behave yourself and let him do what ever he wants – without appearing to complain.

Gentlemen (?) … start your engines.