Two of the participants commented in their workshop evaluations:
"Just hearing how some of the women felt about things that were remarkably similar to what my ex-partner and I were trying to sort out was very useful – sobering, really. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I realised I wasn’t
helping the kids at all."
"It was good to hear a man’s point of view from someone I wasn’t arguing with."
The content and sequence of the workshops differed in each of the first three groups while we sought to identify a sequence of topic presentations that the participants would find relevant to them. A significant ‘learning’ has been the
realisation that increasing the opportunities for the participants to talk to one another enhances their appreciation of the different strategies, options, and approaches presented. We therefore make a conscious effort to break the participants
into pairs or sub-groups at least twice during each of the first four workshops so the people leave the group feeling as though they have had an opportunity to be heard. Many of these pairings are ‘contrived’ using the intake interview
profiles, so participants become aware of the significance and importance of individual differences.
Advertisement
In the first two workshops series, the impact of divorce on children was not raised specifically until the third or fourth week. This meant that participants tended to focus on adult separation-related issues rather than parenting-related
issues. In contrast, we began the third workshop with an examination of the impact of separation on children. This approach immediately focussed the group on the idea that the children are their priority concern, and this focus was maintained
throughout the third workshop. We are replicating this approach with the fourth workshop to confirm whether we have achieved a near-optimum presentation format.
The six-weekly workshops examine topics such as the effect of parental separation on children, the children’s reactions, individual differences and personality traits, the imprint of ‘family of origin’, issues of grief and loss in
relationships, different methods of communication, and differing parenting styles. We allocate time during the second week to identifying the ‘ten most contentious issues’ for the workshop members, and use these throughout the remainder of
the course as the basis for both small-group and whole-group discussion of possible strategies and approaches to addressing these issues.
By the end of the course, almost all participants have realised that anger is the most effective obstacle to creativity, problem solving, and establishing any form of rapport with their former partner. We therefore encourage participants to
share ideas of how this rapprochement might be managed more positively. There is considerable emphasis on practical approaches to conflict resolution throughout each workshop.
Without exception, participants have agreed that – despite their difficulties with a former partner – they need to be "as good a parent as they can be" in their new circumstances, and to accept that their children can
simultaneously love both parents.
More than half of the participants reported that each week they had learned something they thought would make a difference in managing the complex relationships of post-separation families.
The majority of the participants have evaluated the workshops as being beneficial and enabling them to alter at least one significant aspect of their relationship with a former partner – thereby improve their individual relationships with
their children. Many participants reported that tips and suggestions from other group members had proved successful. Such incidents validated the suggestions of the individuals, and confirmed the group solidarity and identity as caring people
seeking to manage their own very difficult situations.
Advertisement
We present two case studies to demonstrate some of the outcomes that people have reported. The first case emphasised the difficulties inherent in cross-cultural marriages:
The participant’s former wife’s cultural background was very regimented and she liked things done in very particular ways. However, he was very relaxed about (indeed, almost indifferent to) concepts of time and regularity. During the
second workshop, he reported that there had been a significant deterioration in his relationship with his former wife. He had taken the children to a street festival during their contact visit, and returned them more than an hour late. The man
had great difficulty in accepting that his wife had ‘just cause’ to be extremely angry. The group suggested a number of approaches the man might make in reassessing the situation.
Within two weeks, this man reported that he had not only resolved the issue of time-keeping while the children were on contact visits but also, by approaching this issue from a different perspective, he had opened a dialogue with his former
wife — and they had negotiated a full property settlement, and only needed to seek legal assistance for confirmation of the appropriate Orders.
A number of other participants commented on how relationships with former partners have been improved as a result of the issues, approaches, and strategies that had been discussed during the workshops.
This is an edited extract of a paper first produced at the 7th Annual Australian Institute of Family Studies Conference, Sydney, July 2000.
Discuss in our Forums
See what other readers are saying about this article!
Click here to read & post comments.