Smoko: War over Iraq, Jacko's illness and swapping World Cup venues

Where's the UN when you need them? Tell you what, if it gets any hotter here in the smoko room, the automatic sprinklers will go off! And I'm not talking about the weather! The debate over war with Iraq finally boiled over, with our three main protagonists each taking a contrary view. What started as a polite discussion blew up into a full-blown argument, with torrents of verbal abuse that would cause even Mark Latham to blush.

Blondie (The Good) is our resident peacenik. With the benefit of age and experience on his side, he says he has seen it all before. He remains implacably opposed to war with Iraq under any circumstances.

"It's just a cynical grab for oil, with Bush carrying out the family vendetta. He wants to control Iraq's oil, and finish daddy's business. After all, they are a family of oil barons. It has nothing to do with terrorism or weapons of mass destruction. Australia should keep out of it."

However, I suspect his reasoning is not completely altruistic. A few years short of early retirement, Blondie has invested heavily in Telstra and other major public floats, and suffered for it.

"I'll be stuffed," he cries, staring forlornly into his herbal tea. "If we go to war, it'll throw us into recession, and I may as well then throw my shares in the bin. They aren't much good to me now anyway."

Angel Eyes (The Bad) takes the opposite view. Young and gung-ho, he is all for the war.

"When the inspectors find the smoking gun, we should go straight in fighting," he declares emphatically, enveloped in a cloud of cigarette smoke. He stresses the importance of ANZUS: "America are our allies, we have to support them. That's what allies do." As for the Security Council: "Bugger the UN. We don't need them anyhow." Only problem is, he doesn't think Colin Powell has produced that smoking gun yet.

Tuco (The Ugly) supports war, but only with UN sanction.

"It is not enough to remove the weapons, we must topple the regime, or we are right back where we started." He doesn't think war is necessary. "Surely the CIA have ways and means of putting a bullet in Saddam's head?" Tuco also questions the wisdom of sending a naval force: "Every time I see a map of Iraq, it looks to be a landlocked country."

The argument began when the discussion turned towards Australia's deployment to the region. Blondie questioned the public farewelling of our Special Forces.

"That was probably a media sham," said Tuco. "How do you know they didn't leave weeks ago?" This thought made the rest of the room sit up and take notice. Trust the devious mind of Tuco to come up with that.

Blondie then declared Howard's deployment to be an act of war: "We can't take action unilaterally."

Angel Eyes came back with "Don't be stupid, it is just pre-positioning. We would look pretty foolish if war started and our ships were still tied up at the wharf. Anyway, how can it be unilateral if three countries are involved?" That's when the slanging match started. But at least they all agree on one thing - that the war is about controlling Iraq's oil.

The lads just aren't hungry today. It appears that Whacko Jacko has put them off their tucker; something not helped by Tuco recounting the television special in graphic detail. The World Cup also came into discussion, with the smoko room unanimous in wanting the matches in Zimbabwe and Kenya to be transferred to South Africa. Tuco amazed us with his brilliance.

"The Kiwis won't play in Kenya, and we won't play in Zimbabwe. So send the Kiwis to Zimbabwe, and we'll go to Kenya." Good on ya!

The guys are itching for the next Queensland election to be held.

"Every day I drive past Lang Park, I feel personally insulted by the waste of money," says Blondie. "Beattie is crying poor over ambulance and land clearing money, yet spends $300 million on a footy ground." Most of the guys nod in agreement - I suspect there may be a Beattie Backlash at the coming election.

The Good, The Bad, & the Ugly welcomed the elevation of Lawrence Springborg to leadership of the Queensland Nationals.

"Thank God for that," said Angel Eyes. "I was sick of (Bob) Quinn."

"No, you dolt, he replaced Hopeless Horan," said Blondie. "Anyway, Springborg seems articulate, but his deputy (Jeff Seeney) is a bit of a Gumby. How did he get voted in?"

Tuco explained that if it weren't for Gumby, we could have been saddled with Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, or worse still, Vaughan Johnson. "Probably just as well then," sighed Blondie.

You can cut the tension here with a knife as Blondie and Angel Eyes glare at each other across the smoko room. Makes me almost want to go back to work. Hey, I did say almost! See you next time.