A wrap-up of what to expect in tabloid headlines for 2004

It’s a brand new year, full of promise and expectation. 2003 is already so … five minutes ago. What’s going to happen in '04? Of course, you are all out there waiting with baited breath to hear about the really big, important stuff, like - what’s ahead for those wild and wacky celebrities we simply cannot read enough about? Here are my bold and beautiful predictions for the rich and famous. (*Cue the lights to go dim as my eyes glaze over and somewhere in the distance, something big and hairy let’s out a spine-chilling howl).

January

The Hilton sisters attend the opening of a new film in Hollywood. Billy-Bob Thornton announces yet another engagement, this time to his third cousin Jim-Bob. Meanwhile, 3^rd ex-wife Angelina Jolie scores a starring role in a movie about a young American woman who has extraordinarily raw sex appeal but a really, really weird personality. Michael Jackson miraculously becomes father to a fourth child - a third son, whom he names after his second son. The new baby boy is named Prince Michael the Second - the Second.

February

Jennifer Lopez’s Academy Awards outfit makes history by not only making the Best and Worst Dressed lists but also being voted number one on the newly created “Least Dressed” list. Lara Flynn-Boyle is listed as missing after disappearing mysteriously at an Oscars’ after party. Jack Nicholson was quoted as saying: “I don’t understand it, one minute she was standing right beside me, then I heard Michael Douglas behind me asking 'mind if I borrow a toothpick?' and when I turned around, Lara was gone.”

March

The Lesbian version of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is mooted but never makes it to air. It appears that in their nationwide talent search, producers couldn’t find a single lesbian who could provide cutting-edge trendy wardrobe or beauty tips for straight women. A spokesperson was reported to say, “They wouldn’t suggest anything beyond buzz cuts, overalls and purple desert boots”. Nicole Kidman is linked to a new mystery lover.

April

Billy-Bob Thornton breaks engagement when Jim-Bob refuses hand over a matching set of vial-of-blood earrings. Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum celebrates the Millionth visitor to try to hump Kylie’s model. Sean-William Scott appears in his own “American Pie” spin-off movie about a horny young man’s bid to bed every student from a Jewish All-Girls college. The movie is called “Stifler’s List”.

May

Elle MacPherson decides to get real by appearing on the cover of Women’s Weekly without any airbrushing or digitally altered photographic enhancement – no one recognizes her. Nicole Kidman is linked to mystery Mystery Novel writer. The Hilton sisters attend the opening of an envelope. Michael Jackson miraculously father’s another child, another boy, named “Prince Michael II, Cubed”.

June

Dr Phil decides it’s time he gave himself a dose of his own stern medicine: “It’s time to get real. I’m a bossy, overweight, good ol’ boy, so who the hell am I to give advice?” A prominent Hollywood starlet is rumored to suffering from anorexia, however old photos reveal that while her torso became skinnier her lips and breasts mysteriously grew fuller.

July

The Hilton sisters attend the opening of a window. Nicole Kidman is linked to mystery guest on "What’s My Line?" Fergie becomes spokeswoman for new low-fat, edible toe rings. Raquel Welch, Bo Derek and Madonna agree to star in a feminine version of the Chase/Martin/Short hit The Three Amigos.

August

Raquel Welch, Bo Derek and Madonna storm off the set of The Three Senoritas after being upstaged in the acting stakes by their horses. They are replaced by Mariah Carey, Elle McPherson and Jerry Seinfeld in drag. Nicolas Cage, Drew Barrymore and Billy-Bob Thornton tie the knot in a bizarre, whirlwind three-way marriage ceremony. Later the same day, the Cage-Barrymore-Thornton union breaks down, citing irreconcilable differences, setting a new record for the shortest three-way marriage in history.

September

Mariah Carey, Elle McPherson and Jerry Seinfeld storm off the set of The Three Senoritas after being royally upstaged in the acting stakes by their saddles. Nicole Kidman gives up acting and decides to run for a senate seat representing the Green Party. Headlines around the world scream: “Nicole Kidman: Miss Tree lover”. Former Royal dietician releases a tell-all book revealing Prince Charles’ bizarre appetites … ”HRH double-dipped”.

October

Richard Gere and Debra Winger try to revive flagging careers with new Romantic Drama-comedy A Pretty Officer and a Runaway Gentleman. Christina Aguilera lets dark roots grow out, switches to wearing a more demure wardrobe and dedicates life to setting a good example for young women. Meanwhile the Uber-popstar of the same name decides to keep skanking it up.

November

Oprah succumbs to pressure and finally releases her long-awaited book of yo-yo diets, which is accompanied by the unique sales slogan: “First you eat one, then you simply floss with the string.” Warren Beatty makes a comeback to acting with the long-awaited sequel to 70s hit Shampoo, with the unexpected, avante guard title: Conditioner. The Hilton sisters attend the opening of a jam jar.

December

Demi Moore’s comeback as a major Hollywood player is thwarted when she is dropped as the headline star a in new romantic comedy alongside Jim Carrey. It appears Carrey’s rubber-faced antics highlight La Moore’s inability to demonstrate any genuine facial expressions beyond the stock-standard “vaguely menacing stunned mullet” expression she used to greater effect in Charlie’s Angels II. She will instead play the less glamorous role of Third Department Store Dummy on the Left, in the window of Bloomingdale’s during a NYC street scene.

… And that’s all folks. Well, what did you expect - Nostradamus? It is the silly season you know.