Picking the fruit of knowledge from a rock garden

“Did they return the keys?”

“I don’t know.” The chairman was annoyed. It doesn’t take this long to dissect an entire frog.

“I just want us to vote on this policy proposed by the administration.” Another fifteen minutes of discussion revealed that keys are important in order to be able to enter locked offices, and that faculty often forget to return keys. After two attempts to table the motion, one point of order, one amendment, and one call for the question, the vote proceeded.

“Why don’t all of you who oppose this motion raise your right hands.”

“Mr. Chairman!”

“What is it, Margaret?”

“I don’t understand what the motion is.”

“I believe the motion is to allow faculty to keep their keys when on leave or sabbatical.”

A dozen voices cried out. “No, I guess it’s just the other way around. The motion is to deny faculty the privilege to keep their keys when on leaves or sabbaticals, with an amendment that faculty may pick up and return their own keys to the Security Office if they are on campus, but that they must return the keys the same day they pick them up.” It took about five minutes to count, then recount, the vote. When it was finished, the body of professors, seventy percent of them holding doctorates, decided that, indeed, keys are important if professors wish to enter locked offices.

“Mr. Chairman!”

“Kenneth.”

“As long as we’re on keys, have you seen the new key request form? It’s to be made out in quintuplicate! It asks everything but what side do you part your hair on.” For several days, ever since the new vice-president for administration decided that the key request form—a relatively painless half-sheet that asked for a few identifiers, plus a chairman’s signature—was likely to be compromised, by executive decree, and with the assistance of a priority request at the printing center to create hundreds of new forms, now required signatures of the person requesting the key, the chairman or supervisor, a dean, the academic vice-president or other appropriate vice-president, and then someone from the Office of Security.”