London moral – don't run late for riots

Ran late for the riot in my part of London, which was a bummer. By the time I got there the good stuff was gone. Couldn't find an iPhone, and the grog shops had been plundered. The best I could do was to pick up a couple of bottles of Jacobs Creek (not my usual drop) from a ten year old kid (mind you, the price was good) and pair of trainers from a large black guy who was busy trying them on in a sports shop and found them too small. He wasn't bad about the price either.

Thought my ship had come home when an army type white bloke offered me a guitar for twenty quid, but before I handed the money over found it was a left handed one, not right handed as he claimed. Believe he put it on Ebay which turned out to be a mistake for him – oddly, the cops were trawling through the sale sites and the beak found it hard to believe that this bloke had himself bought it from some other bloke that night for twenty quid and that other bloke told him it was right handed when it wasn't. Well, no honour among some thieves: just common thugs as PM Cameroon says.

Said good night to the cops who were standing around having a smoke, set fire to a garbage bin and went home. One of the cops lent me a match – nice, I thought.

Caught up with PM Cameroon on the box and thought he and his mates in parliament were very good. Looking at banning social media – bloody good idea. Too many of my mates caught on it by the cops. PM will talk to Chinese Government about this, they having a lot of experience in this area, so to speak. Some Tory wankers want to introduce National Service to straighten young blokes out. Bloody hope they do. My mob's got no idea about co-ordinated attacks on cops and shops, discipline awful, brick throwing woeful - hand grenade practice would help no end. And our Molotov cocktails were jokes. 'Bout one in five actually worked.

Also, need a sure source of military stuff - assault rifles, Glock automatics, land mines, that sort of thing. A hell of a lot easier to steal from the inside than all the trouble of actually breaking in. Takes the sweat out of the op, if you get what I mean. And a bit of weapons training by our lot wouldn't be wasted – then we could really clean up the cops.

Sorry must finish. BBC says Harrods is ablaze. I'll be buggered if I'll run late for this one.