Final briefing on same sex marriage

If you have really studied Leviticus you will know most regulations are totally irrelevant to life after about 200 BC.

Okay. Yes, you holding up the King James Version? You are going to ask me about Leviticus 18:22 or Leviticus 20:13, right? Well, if you are going to quote those passages, make sure you know the Hebrew: "V'et zachar lo tishkav mishk'vey eeshah toeyvah hee."

"and with male not you-shall-lie-down beds-of woman. abhorrence she." It's talking about threesomes! Two men and a woman in bed together. Don't pretend to be shocked, you over there with the ridiculous dog collars. Sex with three people.

Maybe that's your problem … so prudish you are embarrassed to talk about real sex. So you distort this passage to refer to gay people. How convenient.

Now. The words of Jesus. Matthew 19:4 and Mark 10:6. "From the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female." This is a celebration of God's gift of love and intimacy for all mankind. If you have twisted these to condemn those who do not fit your narrow, prudish conservatism, then think again. Fast.

And my old mate Paul. We all know he could be dogmatic, as Barnabas and I both found out in Jerusalem back in … Well, that's another story. But Paul is certainly no bigot and he has no problem whatsoever with loving relationships between people of any gender. Just with abusive relationships.

Romans 1:26, if you had actually read it in context, is about straight people looking for cheap thrills with gay sex. First Corinthians 6:9 lists just five of the many behaviours God abhors, both same sex and opposite sex. None of these refers to life-long loving unions between same sex couples. The word usually rendered 'homosexuals' here is 'arsenokoites' in Greek, right? This means 'homosexual offenders'. O F F E N D E R S !

Paul uses the same word in First Timothy 1:9. But it is never used elsewhere in Greek to refer to gay relationships. Check with Paul later, if you like. He's busy at the moment with Mary Mackillop and Florence Nightingale discussing women staying silent in church. He'll be free, um, later.

But I'm pretty sure you'll find he was referring to the age-old practice of married men out for fun with male prostitutes. Or worse, ritual prostitution in the temple. That was some problem a while ago, let me tell you.

Finally, first Peter 4:3 lists records six sexual no-nos. Excellent list, if I do say so myself. Faithful gay relationships is not among them.Of course, if I had known you lot would misinterpret everything so homophobically, I'd have been clearer. So would the other writers I suspect. We thought Jesus abolishing all gender distinctions was clear enough. Silly us.

Okay. Those are the verses you will find useless. I hope for your sakes you have others. Off you go. Just past those gates. Do you like the gates, by the way? We have a small percentage of angels here with extraordinary class and style in aesthetic matters.