The First Sometimes United Church decided last week not to ordain any frogs. To find out why, I visited the Rev. Matthew Mark Johnson.
I approached him as he finished blessing the ceremonial offerings plate. "Rev. Johnson," I asked, "the frogs-rights groups are upset with your Board's decision. What are your reasons?"
"The Bible tells us that frogs are nothing but problems."
"The Bible tells you that?" I asked suspiciously.
"Right there in Exodus. God said he'd smite all of Egypt with frogs if the Pharaoh didn't let the Jews be free. It proves that God was so ticked off he had to find the most loathsome creature he could to punish the Pharaoh. Do you know how bad it must be to be smited by, of all things, frogs?"
"But God used the frogs to help the Jews. It's not that the frogs did anything God didn't want to be done."
"Bad is bad," said the Rev. Mr. Johnson. "Turn to Revelations," he commanded. "John says that he saw three unclean spirits that looked like frogs come from the mouth of the dragon. That proves it! Not only are frogs loathsome creatures, they're also unclean."
I tried to interrupt, but the anti-frog minister wasn't about to let another view meddle in his logic. "Even Shakespeare hated frogs. Right there in Macbeth. The witches brewed the most horrible concoction they could. What do you think was in it?! Eye of newt and toe of frog!"
"This is ridiculous," I said. "Are you sure there's nothing deeper to your decision to ban frogs from the ministry?"
The Rev. Mr. Johnson cleared his throat, looked at me carefully, then sombrely explained - "They're green."
"They're green?" I asked incredulously. "That's it? Because they're green!"
"Green conflicts with our basic colour scheme. It's not as if we're the only religion not to like colour. For the longest time, a lot of churches didn't allow anyone who's black to be ordained, let alone be a member, so I guess that green is just as good a reason as any." He thought a moment, and then added, "Of course, I guess there might be another reason."
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