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Dirk Flinthart's badly abused whimsies

By Dirk Flinthart - posted Monday, 15 April 2002

Sometimes I wonder about these people. An infinity of hilariously funny things in the world, and they give me child abuse!

How much less funny does a topic get? I'd rather make concentration camp jokes, or maybe starving Kampuchean jokes -- oh... wait... it's not Kampuchea any more, is it? And they're not starving, either. Whatever: I figure even jokes about non-starving non-Kampucheans are more likely to be funny than jokes about paedophilia.

I'm not making any bloody paedophilia jokes. In fact, I'm frightened to even put the word "paedophilia" into the search engines, for fear of Officer Friendly breaking down my front door and seizing my hard drive for the Good of Society. I have NO DESIRE whatsoever to share anything as cosy as a cell with Gary Glitter. (Hey -- pop quiz. Does Gary Glitter constitute a paedophilia joke in his own right? That would take some of the strain out of writing this...) What I will do, though, is try to come up with things vaguely related in some distant fashion to child abuse, which might be worth a grin. It's worth a try, eh? Of course, some of the relationships are going to be very, very distant indeed...


Let's kick off with this: This little work of genius contains approximately 150,000 things that a paedophile would be better off doing... and they're all the same thing, which makes it pretty funny. Definitely got too much time on their hands, though, these people. Or maybe not time... maybe I don't wanna think about what they've got on their hands.

No paedophilia here, which is kind of surprising, since they've managed to work up practically every other sexual practice. Warning: this site is graphic and explicit. Sort of.

On a topic potentially even less related to paedophilia, there's this: It's a list of really, really odd things people put up for auction via the Internet. You might not think that could be funny, I suppose, but perhaps if I drew your attention to: of which all I can say is, yes -- the man is auctioning a Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy wall clock. And if you don't know who Ron Jeremy is, so much the better for you. So far as I know, Ron is a bona-fide non-paedophile, and he's made a career out of demonstrating that. A lot.

Okay. What the hell is this? I have no idea. But the little kid is really spooky-looking. And he SOUNDS creepy too. This is deeply weird. Warning: don't try this with Netscape. It doesn't work. Frankly, that's probably a good thing.

The next site is probably the least related to the topic so far. It does, however, tie in very faintly with Saturday Morning Cartoons, and it brings a whole new interpretation to the concept of a "Scooby Snack." Hot dog!

Not paedophilia, but definitely fantasyland: Jeez, there's a lot of weird stuff out there. I don't know what to say about this one at all, except that it seems a natural follow-on from the previous article.


Still stretching like hell to reach the child abuse theme, I offer you this website: It is a monument to man's inhumanity to children -- and an excellent guide to the kinds of lollies NOT to have in your pockets.

It's been an interesting month. I wish I could invent a reason to connect you with the news of the Indestructible Sandwich, as developed by the US military for reasons best not gone into -- but for the life of me, I can't so here it is anyway - It is brilliantly funny in a delightfully understated and ironic fashion.

By the way: I did in fact put "Pedophilia (American spelling for best odds of success!) + humor" into a number of search engines.

There wasn't any. Which seems just about right.

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About the Author

Dirk Flinthart is a writer and student who lives in Tasmania.

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