Internet dating: instant love or instant disappointment?

The other day, I received an interesting email from a friend. He was absolutely delighted that his girlfriend and he had survived a week in their relationship. Being his friend, I was happy for them and proceeded to ask how they were going to celebrate this momentous occasion. Romantic dinner? Movie? Walk under the stars? Picnic at the zoo?

As it transpired my friend had apparently conducted this relationship wholly on speed dating over the internet.

Man ... that was fast. It usually takes over a week for me to get a reply from a wink. Within the course of one week and one day, my mate and his girlfriend had gone from a wink to dating; and pretty serious at that.

So I wondered; what constitutes an internet date exactly? Old, albeit corny, lines won’t suffice: “I see the stars in your eyes”. Well actually it was the glare of the sunlight on the camera. “What a beautiful night for a walk ... want to join me?”. Actually it’s 40C in the middle of the day here. Walking? No thanks!

Exactly what intimate moments are shared? I mean you can’t even offer your date a Mintie, let alone a kiss or cuddle.

Yet for all of the drawbacks one might perceive of not having an actual partner to have and to hold, internet dating appears to be increasing in popularity. In fact internet dating shares are the only shares that have not folded in the recent stock market debacle.

So, why?

Internet dating is a virtual reality. We have virtual pets, virtual parents and virtual partners; all able to be turned off and on at the press of a button. You don’t like nagging? Great - don't log in. You feel like staying in and chilling out? Well you don’t have to worry anymore about your girlfriend or boyfriend spontaneously appearing on your doorstep ready for a night of dancing! Feeling like an undisturbed weekend away with friends? Fine, just leave the laptop at home.

Internet dating allows you to be in control of a situation before any situation even occurs. Upon registering for a website you often get to choose your potential partner’s hair colour, (or whether they should have any), their social habits, height, age, and even interests. Gone are the nightmares of discovering on your wedding night that your partner has false teeth because now you know before you’ve even met.

Internet dating allows you to parade yourself before a smorgasbord of potential significant others without the pain of rejection. You won’t know just how many millions were put off by your downturned eyelash or other such physical imperfection because they just don’t respond and silently move on. In fact, you could take a camera shot from a more flattering angle and pretend the imperfection doesn't exist at all. That big nose; try airbrushing your photo. Do you want to look 10 years younger? Post a photo you took 10 years ago! Or, perhaps even someone else's photo entirely. The possibilities are endless. Internet dating allows you to be who you want to be, unhampered by reality.

This new dating medium also appears to provide a painless and hassle free way to date. Whatever you would like to happen, can happen in the safety of your own imagination. Imagine watching a movie and your internet date has put his arm on the back of your chair and then it slides down, and down ... and there it is around your shoulders and next thing you’re holding hands. You and your partner are cosy in the safe, comfortable, confines of your imagination.

What would you like to be watching together? One a “chic flick” ... one a thriller ... or are you watching a classic love story? Sound of Music? Lion King? Casablanca? Imagine how smoothly the old romances would have gone if internet dating had been invented. The Captain could have asked for someone who likes children, enjoys wealth, opposes the Nazis, and is willing to climb every mountain. But wait, I’m not sure he would have typed in nun as his potential partner's occupation. And maybe the lovely Maria might never have logged on in the first place. As for Narla and Simba, well, lions can’t even read let alone type!

Maybe it’s a good thing these romances happened before internet dating or the Baroness really would have sent the children to boarding school, and the world would have been devoid of their lovely singing voices and the tales of goatherds and ladies.

What I find sad is that internet dating, or fishing for virtual reality partners, has caught the imagination of so many, many people. There are some who have found lasting happiness; but they probably started out with more in common than finding the same dating site. And for every happy ending there are others who, in their desperate loneliness, have been scammed by opportunists, or simply been left wondering where on Earth is love?

Social philosophers tell us we are becoming an instant society: instant coffee, instant wealth, instant love, and then instant internet dating to fill the niche of our hearts. But instant coffee tastes nowhere near fresh ground percolated coffee. Instant wealth can come and go - as the recent stock market testifies. Instant love? Doesn't it just leave something missing: the friendship, the build up, the drama, the passion, even the other person?!

Do we really want a relationship based on the other person's capacity to write? So many good writers have been social recluses; do you want to risk it? I mean, when you meet, and if you do form a “real-life” relationship, how many hours will you spend writing to each other? Personally I would prefer an actual kiss to a “kisses and hugs” signed on a letter.

And, what of the risk? As a society, dangerous sports such as bungee jumping and paraboarding have become the new rage. It seems we are willing to risk our money, and our lives, but when it comes to our hearts we want to be in control.

Isn’t that what love is ... the letting go ... the not being in control?

And what about choice? It seems to me internet dating offers an illusion of the potential for perfection. Some people are known to spend hours flicking through pictures and profiles of possible dates in a constant quest for perfection; but love is not a perfect thing. It is a splendid thing, but not a perfect thing. A wise person once said: “The grass might be greener in the other paddock, but it still needs mowing!”

So, with all of these expectations, is internet dating creating a new loneliness, and is our new form of seeking love actually resulting in an alienation that cuts to the heart?

Well, in terms of my friend he is excited about meeting his girlfriend in June and I wish him well. Or at least, I wish him a real life girlfriend.