Men after retirement

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes”, Oscar Wilde said. Most of us grizzle about our work and long for the day when we do not have to get up and go to work. But what happens when that day arrives?

In exploring this idea I have tried to include many types of men and their families. But I cannot hope to talk meaningfully about the many ethnic differences across families. It will be hard enough to encompass the lives of men. I will leave it up to women to describe their own experiences.

To understand what retirement means to men, we will have to understand what it means to be a man. And men are not well understood today. Even the page on “Ageing” in the Sydney phone book makes little reference to men.

We must also look past the many books on families. Men are not well thought of by many sociologists, whose books on “families” too often have dwelt on women, feminism, mothers, violence and other issues beloved by the academic establishment. Fathers and men are added almost as a problem or an afterthought. Still worse are the booksellers and libraries. A Sydney bookseller said “Men? Ha! You’d better look under mental illness or self-help”. And at the Australian National University the last catalogue I looked at said “For men, see sex”.

What does retirement mean?

The day comes when you don’t have to go to work, and you can stay at home. Already this may impinge on other people (partners, children?) who are used to packing the man off to work and having the house free to themselves.

In my book Fathers, Sons and Lovers, I found that once we would have called this man a breadwinner, while his wife was a housewife. He went out to work, while she stayed at home to mind the children. These are terms rarely heard today. They even sound antiquated. That’s part of the way in which feminism has redefined both men and women. The changes make the discussion of retirement more complex than it was, as we shall see.

I have heard of men who retire at 50 or even 40, perhaps because they had an inheritance or were very successful at something. I retired at 62. I went on a long-awaited trip. I planned it, I contacted friends, I read brochures. Then I did The Big Trip to USA, Germany and Europe. It was very exciting and fun to do the trip I had planned for so long. But after I came back, what next? I threw out old clothes, cleaned the house, became bored.

What is a man without work?

Work gives men identity, status, income and a host of other things. It connects us to people. These days many work from home, and are connected through phones, the Internet and other gadgets. When we lose work, we lose much of our meaning and identity.

As Professor Sol Encel of the University of New South Wales points out, work is an ambiguous concept. It involves a complex of ideas including payment, time spent on a job, identity, connection to people.

But many of us do volunteer work. Many devote hours to hobbies and fun of various kinds. Work is done by all of us for fun, such as hours spent by people who are football referees, netball coaches and suchlike. Many of us work out in a gym or a pool. Should we include work done cleaning the house, doing gardening, and other chores? Thus work can include many activities. I can work from home, instead of going to the office. And “retirement” can mean different things to different people.

What is it like when a man stops work? I can tell you! I wake up at 8.30 or 9am unless I have an appointment with my trainer in the gym. I eat a late breakfast, contact some people in job agencies or send out resumes. Without work we have freedom, but also boredom. I don’t have students pestering me, but don’t have the stimulation that the best students provide.

Encel says most people do one of four things after they leave their place of work. They keep working (perhaps casual or part time). They do volunteer work. They re-invent themselves. Or just keep amused “relaxing”. Probably many mix up some of these.

But I am not someone who can just “relax”. Like many, I am used to work and am currently pursuing a number of options: some volunteer work, mentoring younger people, and casual work in schools. I have work planned and work pending. And I have the leisure to write about my passions. I want to feel respected and accepted as a man, without the status I used to get at the university.

What do retired men need?

Unfortunately, retired men lose their sense of masculinity in the absence of three of the things that defined them as men: work, sport and sex. That’s why the happiest men in retirement are those who channel their energy into connection with others (such as grandkids) and/or a hobby or volunteer work.

Some men join the Men’s Sheds in various places, where they can do “guy stuff” and enjoy being with mates. Men's sheds are blossoming and the organisation has a conference in Manly, near Sydney, in September- see www.mensshed.org. Others join men’s groups or Rotary, Lions and similar clubs. These activities give their lives meaning. I think this is more fruitful than sitting in a pub reading the sports pages.

Men in retirement continue to have the needs they had pre-retirement. And these needs are being looked at in university projects and on government websites and university projects such as www.seniors.gov.au and www.aro.gov.au.

First, men need adequate money to fund their needs. You can’t have much fun when there isn’t enough money. Save all your life and keep saving - that’s a lesson my dad taught me. I suppose that advice will help me to be better off than most people who have fewer choices because they have less discretionary income. And I notice prices creeping up year after year. I’m glad I got prudent habits from my dad.

The Federal Government has recently loosened superannuation laws to make men’s financial lives easier.

Second, men need mental stimulation. Some seem to get it writing letters to the papers. Others keep working but without the pressures of administration. Some join the University of the Third Age and enjoy courses in other places.

Physical exercise is another need. Our bodies adapt to the stresses and strains they get: sitting around all day will give most of us a bad back. Most of us need to walk, cycle, or swim. Eating the right food will also help keep us feeling good about ourselves. Sensible gyms encourage older males - who smile when they catch the young guys constantly checking their physiques in the mirror.

Retirement is a time to smile at many things. We all need fun and lightness. Laughter clubs have a real and important role in supplying this need. Staying positive and keeping a sense of fun are important, as Jack Zinn reminds us in his book Older Men’s Business. Many of us have fun by mixing with people younger than us. My father said once “I hate old people”. He was 92 at the time! But he loved being with his grandkids, just as I do. That’s fun, playing with a grand-son or daughter.

Do men need love and sex? In my opinion, all men think about sex very often. The old dog may be a bit slower at doing what he used to do, but the desire lingers on. When you are 17 or 18, the thought of “old people doing it” is repulsive. How awful! I think research might show that people over 60 are much more active than the 20-somethings think.

With a patient and loving partner, a man can continue enjoying a loving (including sexual) relationship for many years. And that’s even without the little blue tablet the doctor gives him to keep it all going down below. At a conference recently, a woman spoke of a female friend whose husband had stopped working and wanted to have sex three times a day. Perhaps some would be envious of living with such a man, depending on the quality of the interaction, of course. Others would be horrified and say “for heavens sake, go out and get a job!”

And so there we are, back with the idea that a man is someone who works.

We like our lives to have meaning. Many men have worked while being in relationships - sexual and non sexual - by working for our families. This includes blended families, same-sex families and extended families. Men have a need for connection to others. In the vast majority of cases, men hugely enjoy being with friends, mates, and various people to whom we feel bonded. Life can be a lonely path for many of us. Other people make the journey easier.

We need to stay in touch with new developments - TV, computers, YouTube - the whole electronic world changes all the time. We need to stay abreast of developments if we are to avoid becoming unemployable.

Finally, we need to be aware that men have spiritual needs in a broad sense - enjoyment of the sea and nature as well as organised religion. Men today are sceptical of organised religion, but many are embracing new forms of belief unknown to their parents.

An ageing population

We know that little by little, the Australian population is living longer each year, on average. The Bureau of Statistics says the population aged 65 years and over will increase from 13 per cent (June 2002) to about 28 per cent by 2051. And the proportion of the population aged 85 years and older will increase from 1.5 per cent (June 2002) to about 7.5 per cent by 2051.

Once men would struggle to reach 50 or so and live a few years as worn-out husks before dying. Medical science has extended our lives: we have pacemakers, stents and so on that were unknown to earlier generations. A year ago a kind doctor found that I had three problems in my heart. I was like the old Valiant I used to have, that went a bit slow because only three of its six cylinders were working. After a valve replacement I have a new lease of life and can enjoy vigorous activity again.

If men are living longer, is this a problem? The Howard Government already has a Minister for Ageing: the Honourable Chris Pyne. There are websites and research projects being funded. Governments are concerned about the increasing proportion of people who will have to be supported by workers aged between 18 and 60. We can’t have a shrinking tax base supporting tons of people whose lives have been prolonged. Thus we have seen the emergence of policies designed to keep people working longer.

In many ways this is a good thing, as long as we don’t have to work till we drop of exhaustion. It also raises issues of when is life worth preserving, and when we should let people go.

Advertisers know about the grey dollar. There is a huge industry advising people how to invest their money. But I find once I tell these people that my money is safely invested, they lose interest. There isn’t enough public-interest advocacy and far too much “give me your money” advice. Some firms have made money selling older people retirement homes or those massive motor homes you see commonly on US freeways.

“Travel for seniors” is being catered for, because travel gets more challenging as you get frailer. I don’t have the energy to walk all over Europe and stay in youth hostels, as I did when I was a kid of 40. So it’s a case of working out how to do the things you want to do. And finding the right people to advise us and taking a hard look at the questionable bargains we’re offered.

Recommendations

What do we need so that men can have a happier and more productive retirement?

First, we must save more. It would be a simple matter to increase the compulsory superannuation levy so that all working people increased superannuation contributions by 2 per cent every year over say the next five years.

Second, we need to think of men’s lives in more complex ways, as we saw earlier - so that we can see retired men as people who can help create a caring and decent society.

Third, let’s see men after retirement not as a problem, but a resource pool of talent. Boys in trouble at school need mentors. Kids love to be with grandfathers and can learn so much from them.

We need to provide retired men with male-specific support. If men don’t perceive agencies as targeted to men, they won’t go and see them. We must find ways of listening to retired men and provide services and support: not just have some public servant decide what they need.

And lastly, look at that retired person and imagine: what would you do if you retired next week? Do some thinking and planning for it, for these can be long and tedious years of boredom and despair. But with help from the friends you have cultivated over the years, and your loved ones, these can be the most challenging years of your life. And men love a challenge.