The anatomy of a bank robber

“Okay, I’ll be ready in a minute,” I replied, stuffing the 9mm Glock into the bag.

“I don’t think you understand, Bern,” the Pom said quietly. “I think we’re pinched, mate.”

“Bullshit!” I said, pushing past the Pom and opening the door.

It’s a strange feeling looking down the barrel of a police issue .38 calibre revolver -and there were over two dozen barrels pointing at the lavatory door, each looking like a gigantic cannon.

It has to be the same feeling customers and staff endure when they look down the barrel of a bank robber’s gun. As they say, what goes around comes around. We were cornered like rats in a trap.

As the best plans of mice and men went up in smoke that sunny afternoon in Brisbane one question kept niggling in my brain. How? How did we come unstuck? How could such a perfectly planned bank robbery dissolve into disaster?

The answer was simple: never rob a bank on Police Remembrance Day!

While the Pom and I were chasing our pot of gold at the end of criminality’s rainbow, the cream of Queensland’s police force were attending Police Remembrance Day marches two streets away. When the alarm went up they literally fell out of the sky. And of course we were pinched.

I got double digits for that little episode, and the Pom got six years. They were prison sentences that underscored the futility of a bank robbing career.

If there is a moral to this story for any aspiring bank robbers who think they can beat the odds, then all I can say is: expect the unexpected. Be prepared to do jail, because prison is one occupational hazard that goes hand-in-hand with bank robbery.

And finally, never rob a bank on Police Remembrance Day.