‘Nearer my God to thee’: What happens to men midlife?

Midlife is probably one of the major transitions faced by males. The major transitions are generally true for most men, though there are big differences across sexual preference, lifestyle, class, race and culture. Some common markers of these transitions might be: birth, puberty, marriage, divorce and retirement.

Much fun is made of the "midlife crisis" for men. These things are always funny when they happen to someone else! Some of us feel torn between nurturing our parents in their 80s and 90s, raising kids who still want encouragement and working ever-demanding jobs. We want to say, "When is it MY time?" Some real physical changes for men in midlife are as follows:

Our skin becomes thinner: a 60-year-old man is literally more thin-skinned than a man of 20 or 30. Skin becomes more vulnerable to the ravages of wind and sun. Our eyes become less flexible and less able to focus. Our backs groan: 80 per cent of us will suffer back pain at some stage. As we get older, we sit more and play, run and swim less. Our joints suffer, especially ones like knees that bear stress. Some sports encourage problems (for example, golf, because of the way you have to twist your body). Football of all kinds causes injuries which damage joints and break bones. So as we age, one-third of us will have backs that steadily worsen.

Look at the guys on TV who are admired, and you'll see young, strong bodies. So many men are worried about looking old and acting old. It's as if we have to be ashamed about not being young and "muscly" any more - which is a bit mad. How do men cope with feeling older? To find out I have interviewed 30 men in Sydney who can shed some light on the issue.

For many, the job market has become very difficult for men who are no longer young. Dave, from Surry Hills in Sydney, comments:

Life is more stressful for men. Today you must be more self-reliant. You’re more likely not to have a permanent job but a succession of contracts. you need to have skills to sell. You must review your strengths and weaknesses every now and then, tart up your ego and flog yourself all over town. It affects the way you look at life, the plans you make. It makes men more stressed. If you start buying property, you’re more stressed. But the pressure is still there to spend! Unless you’re a top lawyer, you can’t expect to earn a lot and you’ve got lots of uncertainty. Academia used to have tenure as a carrot - not any more. Banking has a tiny elite doing well. The rest of them are flexible and that means they can say “thanks a lot … bye!”

Alfredo is a 39-year-old Italian living with his wife, three sons and a daughter in Kensington, east of Sydney. He talks about being an Italian versus an Australian man:

The Anglo restrictions on being a man are formulas: “Don’t do this, don’t do that”. You can’t touch people unless you negotiate that. But men aren’t as distant in Italy. They do touch others - women and men. They can be exuberant, excited. They can be themselves.

Someone said men should have sex at least twice a week. Alfredo comments:

That would be nice! I’m all for more sex. Yeah, it’s probably healthy to have sex twice a week. I’m Catholic so I like being able to celebrate that. Being Catholic and being able to say I love making love to my wife - it fills my heart.

But Alfredo knows he is getting older.

At 30 I was sitting in my power. I’ve had a fair bit of life experience, a sense of vitality. I felt agile, I was moving forward. At 40, it’s “Oh shit! “ You realise you’re halfway there … towards the end.

Ken, 39, works at a university and lives near Wollongong. He is trying to form a relationship, but is finding it difficult because women seem to want so much from him:

Women are always talking about their biological clock. Well, I feel my biological clock ticking as well. The women I’m attracted to seem complicated. They have an image of what they want. Someone entertaining, someone to make their life wonderful. I find it hard to meet women who see the world rationally. I’ve had two relationships recently. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but I won’t change myself to suit someone else. You have to compromise to be in a relationship, but I am who I am.

The straight men surveyed commonly have this tension between pleasing the women they meet and trying to be themselves. Alfredo is unusual in saying, “I’m a man, and this is what I am - deal with it!” Other men struggle to be themselves at a time when there is tension and anxiety around gender roles and doing the right thing for women.

Gay men have their own difficulties. They are particularly vulnerable to midlife changes. They look in the mirror and see the receding hairline and expanding waist, but they live in a community which values youth and beauty. Dave, a 42-year-old gay man from Surry Hills in Sydney, comments:

The best thing about getting older is a broader perspective on life, maybe more wisdom. I have a greater ability to “read” people and situations. The worst thing is I’m less physically able to maintain the same energy levels.

So what should men do to be happy in midlife? Dave says:

To stay healthy a man has to stay fit, maintain an exercise regime. Try to keep the creative side of one’s personality active. And take time out from work every now and then to focus on something different.

For Alfredo, being happy means being immersed in his family:

I have my daughter, I like her. And the boys - they’re fun to play with at 11, 6 and 3. I’m a mentor to them, I protect them, be there as they experience life. I’m there when they have sudden insights. It reminds me of when I was a boy. I love it, it fills me up. The worst part is that nature may incline them to take risks. I’m afraid of losing them, they’ll be sick or injured, or be hurt by friends. You feel all they feel, good and bad, and you can’t control that hurt.

Am I happy? Shit! Generally I am. I’m happy at the weekend when we have a cuppa together. I ‘m happy alone: I stay up late by myself and watch the late news. I attack the fridge. I like to take the dog for a walk alone. If I could make more time to be with the kids I’d be happier. If I had my life again I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d do it all again.

So how can men be happy in midlife? Men can be happy either in a relationship or alone, but we do need friends and loved ones to feel fulfilled. My kids help me laugh at myself! It’s important to keep active as much as we can. If we keep exercising, if we stretch our muscles and moderate what we do, if we can balance work, play and family, midlife can be the best time of our lives.