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What is a man?

By Peter West - posted Wednesday, 6 March 2019


Now we have a paradox. Here is a politician and he is shown in the media with his wife and family. Footballers are expected to show off their girlfriends and wives. And so are most men in the public eye. So there's the contradiction: how can men be self–contained if they have to have a partner and maybe kids around them? Too often today, we see families without men, and men without families. Men and families belong together.

How do men relate to women through the life-course?

And now we come to the heart of things. How do men relate to women? I can almost see readers, pencils poised, waiting to pounce lest I say the wrong thing. The vast majority of boys must grow up connected to a mother. The exceptions have been known, but they are far from the norm. A boy might be used to the comfort of a mother's breast and tenderness. Later on, it's women teachers who scold him and raise their voices at him, as I know from many years visiting schools. Many things have been written about the need for male teachers. But it hasn't delivered many males who want to submit meekly to the challenge of being a male teacher, 'a rooster in the henhouse', as a friend put it. As the boy grows, he wants to cut the apron strings. Nobody admires a mummy's boy. An adolescent boy grunts and growls at the world. Fathers and sons shout, yell and slam doors at each other. Mothers start an inquisition.

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Where have you been?

Out.

What did you do?

Nothing.

The boy gets angry - we seem to prefer males to be angry rather than to be soft and tender. And the boy might be angry at his mother most of all. But most boys are looking for a partner. We tell parents "Your son will want to marry someone: probably, a woman". Thus somehow boys grow to adulthood - I almost said, to adultery - and people expect him to have a girlfriend in tow on suitable occasions. The boy becomes a young man, and then an older one. In the seasons of his life, spring turns to glorious summer and on to autumn. And how does the male survive now? He just soldiers on, often with little thought about how he does act, or should act, until he reaches some kind of crisis. Many a sportsman is confronted when an accident forces him to stay home and be fussed over- probably by women who feel they need to do so.

And towards the end of his life, where is he? Reluctantly, he faces up to life at home - with a wife. Or having home care by women. Or submitting quietly to a nursing home in which women are abundant. Back into the care of women, whom he feels a little wary of.

Age shakes our foundations

And so here is our typical male at the end of his life, once more subject to the care, the kindness, or the whims of women. Often in the media, aged care is discussed as if it only concerns women. There are usually more women in care at any given place, as women generally live longer than men. But who will speak up for the males who at seventy or eighty, want to be strong, independent, and sexually attractive? And who must yet have to be confined to beds and armchairs, when they are probably desperate to be rampaging around, as they did in their twenties and thirties?

Some female company is often welcome, if it's the right kind! When I've been in hospital, I've been lucky to have my family around. Older people love to have a few kids buzzing about, I've noticed. I was also lucky to find one or two women nurses who were helpful and understanding. I was also glad to have a couple of men who did the same. Most men would not feel happy enfolded in the care only of women. It doesn't feel safe. Men enjoy the jokes and joshing that men typically do. Women want to be always talking about things - and talk can be wearing. Men more commonly show their care through their actions.

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In the main, people don't like old men much. They just want their money. Let's hope the Royal Commission doesn't forget men's needs. Let's hope it can help restore some respect to older men. And don't let men be cared for only by women. Many men in their own homes as well as in aged care homes need a man's understanding as well as a woman's.

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A version of this article was submitted to the Royal Commission into Aged Care.



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About the Author

Dr Peter West is a well-known social commentator and an expert on men's and boys' issues. He is the author of Fathers, Sons and Lovers: Men Talk about Their Lives from the 1930s to Today (Finch,1996). He works part-time in the Faculty of Education, Australian Catholic University, Sydney.

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