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How do we find that perfect partner?

By Peter Curson - posted Tuesday, 1 August 2017


Marriage is a vital population, geographical and social event. It involves the creation of a new social and economic unit as well as an often long association of persons previously separate.

In Australia today the basis for choice of a marriage partner remains romantic attachment. While one might think that this provides a wide arena of choice, in reality it is limited by law, social attributes, geography and a bevy of social and economic factors.

Romantic attachment is also a relatively recent phenomenon. Up until the end of the 19th century, marriage was primarily a loveless thing with little emotion or tenderness shown between man and woman or indeed between parents and children. Unions were often lineal and economic rather than personal.

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But really how much choice do we have in finding and selecting a marriage partner? Looking for the ideal mate absorbs everyone's time and energy at some time or other.

There are a number of theories advanced to explain why different pairs of people end up married.

Freud insisted that men sought in their wives an image of their mother but there is little evidence to support such a view. Like is also said to attract like and indeed many married couples have similar personalities. But in other cases opposites attract as well.

But leaving aside the romantic or psychological aspects of a person's search for the right partner it is interesting to speculate on just how people meet in the first place and what different places and backgrounds are linked by marriage. How far afield, for example, do people search for that ideal partner?

In many countries there would seem to be two ways people can find their search for a partner restricted. Firstly, population size, density of settlement and means of transport play a role. Secondly, choice of spouse is also restricted by tradition and prejudices which can prevent meetings between different peoples and/or indeed register some people as ineligible because of class, ethnicity, religion or blood relationship. In countries like Australia the choice of an ideal mate is only restricted by the number of people one meets and interact with.

Prejudices do remain, however, and today probably about half of all marriages would appear to be between people of the same "social class". Ethnic and racial considerations are also important in helping determine the choice of mate. For a long time Southern European migrants in Australia, for example, showed a high level of intra-group marriage compared to persons of British or North American background. Presumably something akin to this also applies for Polynesians in New Zealand.

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But where do people meet?

There would seem to be plenty of opportunities for people to meet prospective mates in places associated with pleasure or social life, such as pubs, coffee bars, sports grounds, Universities, colleges and restaurants, and inrecent years on-line dating has become of some significance.

A marriage survey carried out in Britain some years ago asked people where they first met their wife. In some cases the circumstances were odd such as the man who met his future wife in the street – head on in a road collision. Another was charmed by a disembodied voice over the phone.

Nevertheless, two thirds of all marriages came about through meetings at dances, at work and in private homes belonging to one of the families. Few would end up marrying the girl or boy next door or someone met at school.

A French survey a few years later showed that 17% of couples had met at a dance, 13% at work or study, while only 10% quoted meeting someone in their local neighbourhood as being the reason for their union. More recently on line dating has begun to play a role. A recent American survey showed that 15% of adults claimed to be using dating websites or Apps and that almost 60% thought it a good way to meet people yet only 5% said that was the way they had met their partner.

Another US study indicated that almost 45% of married couples were introduced to each other by a mutual friend, 33% lived near each other, 15% met at a party, 15% met at work and 15% at college.

So what about Australia? How do we find the perfect partner and how widely do we search? Many studies show that we seriously consider only marrying a very small number of people. People may meet by chance in night clubs, pubs, at the beach or football match or at a coffee place as well as at work and study places. In such cases they may well live a long way from each other and may not always have common friends and acquaintances.

Alternatively, people may meet in private homes, clubs or on the street or through networks of friends and relatives and in this case may live closer together. After World War 1 it became common for young people to meet in church or in neighbourhood "parades "up and down certain streets such as took place along the waterfront at Bondi, Australia's mini versions of the "corso".

Funnily enough it was the bicycle in the late 19th century in many countries which revolutionised our ability to search for the ideal mate. No longer were people forced to choose from their small town or neighbourhood. Perhaps the horse and then the steam train played a similar role in much of Australia. . Personal mobility changed all that. Possibly we are experiencing something akin to this change with the role that the internet now plays in our lives.

There is also plenty of evidence to show that marriage for men and women in Australia now occurs at a much later age than say 20 years ago, leaving a much longer period for people to engage in the search for an ideal partner. Today, men and women marry in their early 30s a considerable change from 20 or so years ago when marriage occurred in the early 20s. In addition, an increasing number of Australian men and women now remain unmarried throughout their 30s and many beyond this age and an increasing number of Australians live together without legalising or formalising their union.

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About the Author

Peter Curson is Emeritus Professor of Population and Health in the Faculty of Medicine and Health Sciences at Macquarie University.

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